Resurrection from Philosophical Suicide

 Then I was startled into the realization that

I had resurrected from philosophical suicide

When I turned 60, 7 years ago, I realized I had resurrected from a life of philosophical suicide, in Camus' words. It was quite a jolting awakening, along with exuberation. I never knew that people could resurrect from suicide or even that I had committed philosophical suicide when I was a kid and for 50 years via fundamentalism or evangelicalism.

One of the huge realizations was that I had been living everyone else's life, their

meaning, their purpose. I was just living according to the truth that others told me and I believed it all without question. I had become a second hand person. Now I see that ALL external authority, whether from religion, politics, education, culture, etc, is in itself meaningless… for me. It is conditioning that I have downloaded that shaped and controlled my life; constant conditioning from society and culture, from media and education, from religion and politics. I had been conforming to this world all of my life and I didn’t even know it. I had committed Philosophical Suicide. Once I realized how stupid that is, I began to create my own story to live by. That inner truth or voice or authority has made all the difference. I have been blogging to pound out that process of deconstruction and deconversion. Writing has been a powerful process of transformation for me. I knew from the beginning that blogging was a form of deconstructing my life. But what I didn't know was how far the deconstruction would go nor that it also would require deconversion for me. I really didn't ask for this BUT IT CHOSE ME. But giving up my life, I was given back my life. First I started with http://livingwithopenhands1.blogspot.com/ (for 12 years) and then going deeper to http://livingwithopenhands2.blogspot.com/ (for the past 3 years).

"I asked myself, 'What is the myth you are living?' and found that I did not know. So... I took it upon myself to get to know my myth, and I regarded this as the task of tasks... I simply had to know what unconscious or preconscious myth was forming me." (Carl Jung)

That was part of my response to a post in reddit which asked this: ”Whenever I get into a discussion of life and tell people that our life is meaningless and pointless, all they have is --- then why don't you end your life ?? I mean how do they not get that even though i said life is meaningless, i never said that it wasn't worth living ...i don't know how to deal with this kinda questions..anyone please help😅”

Here is my initial response: Alan Watts has one of my favorite answers. Paraphrasing, he says that life has no meaning, no purpose in and of itself. When we demand of life or the universe to tell us what the meaning of life is, all we get is silence. 

Just like the dance, the purpose of the dance is to dance. The purpose and meaning of life is to live! We don't begin a dance so we can get to the end or somewhere else. We don’t ask the dance why it is there and what its meaning is. If we simply immerse ourselves in the dance or in life, that synchronicity between life and you will reveal to you who you are (identity), why you are here (meaning). and what to do about it (purpose).

Then I continued with this: I do love Camus' philosophy too. Since life has no inherent meaning and is therefore absurd, and if we are not going to commit physical suicide in response and we are not going to commit philosophical suicide, then all we can do is revolt in the face of the absurdity of a universe with no inherent meaning by standing up and doing the opposite of suicide... we live!!!

I really like Camus' definition of absurdity. Mankind has this primal cry for meaning that never goes away that is inherent, deeply embedded, and never ending. But the response of the universe is silence, no answer at all. Then it is not the universe in and of itself that is absurd. It is our cry with absolutely no response that is absurd. It is the juxtaposition of the cry of mankind in this silent universe that is insanely absurd. And when we add god into the idea of the universe, then not only is the universe silent and without answer, but god has chosen a response of silence and invisibility. At least we can see the universe! But with god, there's nobody home.

Camus says that besides physical suicide, many choose philosophical suicide.

We can choose death through suicide or we can choose to live while dead by giving in to the tyranny of an external authority or belief, hence choosing philosophical suicide. 

We keep trying to fill the imaginary void through religion, politics like evangelicalism, social systems like Naziism and a master race like white supremacy, or karma. Controlling things or people. Buying things or people, cars or houses. Accumulation of commodities or money, education or knowledge. A spouse, family, and kids can be used to distract us from the inevitability of death and The Absurd. The most common way of committing philosophical suicide is through elusion. Elusion via Illusion. Career and advancement; climbing the corporate ladder. Collector of beautiful or unique things. Sports and all kinds of entertainment. And on and on...

And yet, at death, what matters? For me, it is living without appeal in fearlessness, gentleness, compassion, and empathy, as I make a difference in the lives of those I encounter. I live without appeal or distractions or excuses or death-denying artificial systems of comfort, security, and certainty.

"There is only one really serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide,” so claims Camus in his essay The Myth of Sisyphus. By starting with the question of whether life is worth living, Camus places the problem of how we are to live our lives squarely in the center of this thought and squarely in the shoulders of each and every person. https://bigthink.com/scotty-hendricks/the-meaning-of-life-albert-camus-on-faith-suicide-and-absurdity

“The meaning of life is to be alive.

It is so plain and so obvious and so simple.

And yet everybody rushes around in a great panic as if

it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

(Alan Watts)

Life is NOT a Journey - Alan Watts

When we look at life as a journey or a trip to somewhere, then we become like children asking constantly, "are we there yet?" Because the point of the journey is the destination. That's what we are excited about, not the actual process of getting there. When we dance, we do not dance in order to get to the end. An orchestra does not play in order to get to the last note. People don't come and listen so that they can only hear the last note. It is the process, the whole thing that matters. Life is like a dance or an orchestra. We live to live, not to die. The point of life is not the afterlife, it is living each and every moment to the fullest extent, in revolt against the Absurd.

Victor Frankl - Man's Search for Meaning

“Since Auschwitz we know what man is capable of. 

And since Hiroshima we know what

is at stake.”

No matter how much adversity and pain we are going through, there is always someone that has experienced much much worse. These people can bring us new ways of seeing; new perspectives on life, meaning, pain, and joy. From them we can learn to celebrate the life we have been given. 

Victor Frankl is a WW2 Nazi concentration camp survivor. His book, Man’s Search for Meaning (not for the faint of heart), describes in gruesome detail the incredible internal struggle of finding a reason for simply opening one’s eyes for another day. A very humbling read from the comfort of our American easy chairs. It makes our daily complaints seem quite trivial.

“This story is not about the suffering and death of great heroes and martyrs, ….Thus it is not so much concerned with the sufferings of the mighty, but with sacrifices, the crucifixion and the deaths of the great army of unknown and unrecorded victims.” Viktor E. Frankl

From the depths of a concentration camp he brings us what give life meaning.
1. All things can be taken from us except for one thing, our freedom to choose how we respond to life.
2. All people are here with a purpose greater than ourselves. Life requires each of us to find and follow this mission, which can only be found within.

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms

—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…”

Victor Frankl, Auschwitz survivor

“What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the specific meaning of a person’s life at a given moment.” p.171

“We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a value; and (3) by suffering.” p.176

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

Further Thoughts

When I read Man's Search for Meaning 15 years ago, I kept looking for some sort of divine answer to meaning in life. But I read through the whole book and there was no mention of god anywhere. At that time, I was still in the midst of Christianity or as Camus would have called it, a form of philosophical suicide. At first I was startled and shocked that such a meaningful book could be written, especially from the depths of such despair, possibly the worst despair on the face of this earth. I kept looking and hoping for that glint of Light from above. It took me quite a while to see the power of that powerful Light that came from within this man, from within the human spirit. He overcame through the sheer force of the human spirit!!!

All we need to do is BE who we are and live life AS IT IS. That is what Camus meant by "LIVING WITHOUT APPEAL." We live in the face of The Absurd without deferring to any external authority but simply living. What is the meaning of life? TO LIVE!

For more on my discovery of Camus' philosophy:   https://livingwithopenhands2.blogspot.com/2020/11/bedrock-of-being.html   https://livingwithopenhands2.blogspot.com/2020/11/philosophical-suicide.html

Mad World - Are We Listening?

We hear only what we are listening for...
We hear only what we want to hear...

Does this mad world have a voice in your world?

Can you hear the voices coming at you everyday?

Can you hear this still small voice of madness within?

All of life is our teacher but can we hear?

It is there. Are we listening? Do we want to hear?

Or are we turning away, day by day?

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very, very

Mad world, mad world

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand

Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away

No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away from the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

As I lay in bed, snug and warm and comfortable and secure,

the world passes me by. If I close my eyes, I won't see.

If I plug my ears, I won't hear. Why would I want to?

I know that most of the world now and throughout history

has been poor, struggling to survive, disabled, or oppressed in some way,

... even in America.

An honest look at this mad world makes obvious

that absurdity rules, especially for those that are drowning

in their fight for survival. Losing this fight is felt day by day.

It is a matter of time before they go under.

Down deep I know this. We all know.

So I don't look. I don't listen. 

It hurts too much and I don't like pain.

Why would I want to feel their suffering? hear their despair? see their pain?

If I get out of bed, I stand and stare...

If I catch a glimpse, then I destroy any compassion within me 

with finger pointing and blaming;

blaming them for being oppressed, for being disabled, for being poor... 

for being lazy and dirty and repulsive and different than me. 

Disparaging them for their own pain, suffering, and despair. 

I stand and stare... gawking in disgust.

Damn them!!! It is their own fault.

They are speaking a language I don't understand, won't understand.

That's why I listen to TV that tells me this is true. They even call it news!

How great is that?!?!? This is truly a great country.

Out of sight... Out of mind. Out of mind... Out of heart.

I live in a nice world with all of the worldly comforts I want 

and far more than I need.

I have the privilege of choice every day: 

my home, my neighborhood, my church, my country.

What's wrong with that? Why would I dare step outside of my world

with all of its safety, comfort, security, and certainty?

Isn't that some sort of crime? I'm no idiot! 

As long as all I see are people like me, thinking like me, voting like me, being me; then I know I am safe and secure. 

And isn't that what life is all about?!?!? 

Living a life that comforts me, confirms my biases, and leaves me alone.

Don't talk to me! Don't look at me! Don't touch me! 

And heaven forbid, don't have conversations about things that matter with me. Because I know that you speak in a language I can't understand.

Heaven forbid that I hear you.

Heaven forbid that I feel your pain.

“Those who do not weep, do not see.” (Victor Hugo, Les Misérables)

“It remains an experience of incomparable value that we have for once learned to see the great events of world history from below, from the perspective of the outcasts, the suspects, the maltreated, the powerless, the oppressed and reviled, in short, from the perspective of the suffering.” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

“The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members.” (Mahatma Ghandi)

We must learn to See through the eyes of the brokenhearted.

We must learn to See with our own eyes of brokenheartedness.

The Cocoon

“Humanity has been sleeping — and still sleeps — lulled within the narrowly confining joys of its closed loves.” (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin)

Each year we live, layer after layer of conditioning creates a sort of cocoon where we see only what we are taught to see, hear only what we are listening for, the echo of our own voice; where we insulate and isolate ourselves from discomfort, insecurity, uncertainty, reality, truth, and the vulnerability of relationships as we sacrifice our own authenticity, identity, and integrity. After a while, we know nothing beyond our little cocoon. But that’s OK because it is safe and warm and predictable… and sleepy. We hang a sign on our cocoon, “Do Not Disturb!”

Meanwhile, “in the cocoon there is no idea of light at all, until we experience some longing for openness, some longing for something other than the smell of our own sweat.” (Chogyam Trungpa, Shambhala; the sacred path of the warrior)

 

Afterthought: Not everybody is going to be able to change their lives so abruptly and so drastically if you have not spent your life mindful of the 'other', of those that are different, with a worldview that includes all and envisions a world that works for all. Too many people have closed themselves off from  the reality of this world that we live in and have isolated themselves in their own bubble or echo chamber, fabricating an imaginary world of comfort, security, and certainty. Apart from truly immersing oneself in this life as it is, the least a person can do is to open your mind, heart, and will, expanding one's worldview to include all people, and becoming willing to become aware that the world does not revolve around you. You are a grain of sand on the beach of this world thinking you are the whole beach. Can we become aware? Can we pay attention? Can we learn to listen? Can we become human? Can we learn to have compassion for all? Unconditionally?

Reconstruction after My Deconversion

 My Philosophical Evolution: little by little

This blog post is the flip side of another post that I wrote in April 2021, two month ago. Here are the first few lines of that blog which I called The Deconstruction of My Deconversion.

__________________________________________________

The Deconstruction of My Deconversion

My Religious Demise: step by step

Another step deeper into darkness. . . closer to the light.

For a more expanded and indepth version, go here: My Philosophical Evolution

___________________________________

This post is my Reconstruction after My Deconversion.

This blog post is the “closer to the light” part of “Another step deeper into darkness. . . closer to the light.”

Deeper into Darkness

Deconversion requires that we keep digging deeper into the darkness to get to the subconscious conditioning that controls our thoughts. When I was writing that post, like the title said, I was deconstructing my faith, dogma, creeds, doctrine, along my total worldview, breaking down what it took to get to the place I am now, sort of retracing the steps of my journey. All of the things I was told to believe, I just believed automatically, without thinking, without any discernment, without putting any of it to the test, because I was doing what I was supposed to do all my life, for 50 years. I was unknowingly, subconsciously running on automatic pilot with automatic downloads, cultural conditioning, media manipulation, political propaganda, and religious brainwashing. These are all subtle, subconscious forms of conditioning and control.

Blind Conformity. Immersion in the Status Quo.

"If you slavishly follow somebody else’s ideas, you will be impoverished and impaired…. Blind obedience and unthinking acceptance of authority figures may make an institution work more smoothly, but the people who live under such a regime will remain in an infantile, dependent state. It is a great pity that religious institutions often insist on this type of conformity, which is far from the spirit of their founders, who all, in one way or another, rebelled against the status quo."
Karen Armstrong Source: The Spiral Staircase

From a quantum physicist:
"We could say that practically all the problems of the human race are due to the fact that thought is not proprioceptive.... You don't decide what to do with the info. Thought runs you. Thought, however, gives false info that you are running it, that you are the one who controls thought. Whereas actually thought is the one who controls each one of us."
(David Bohm, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddngc3nhs_I)

"For centuries we have been conditioned by nationality, caste, class, tradition,

religion, language, education, literature, art, custom, convention, propaganda of all kinds, economic pressure, the food we eat, the climate we live in, our family, our friends, our experiences—every influence you can think of—and, therefore, our responses to every problem are conditioned. Are you aware that you are conditioned? That is the first thing to ask yourself, not how to be free of your conditioning. You may never be free of it, and if you say, “I must be free of it”, you may fall into another trap of another form of conditioning. So are you aware that you are conditioned?" (Krishnamurti, Freedom from the Known, p 25).


Little by little came my demise. Uprooting, overturning, upheaving, demolishing, destroying, ripping up the life I had been building.

“The blizzard of the world

has crossed the threshold

and it has overturned

the order of the soul.”

~ Leonard Cohen

This overturning began with the blizzard of the world that I could not stand up to (divorce, job loss, foreclosure, depression). It caused me to realize that I had been building my house, my life, on sand. It was not a solid foundation. So as I realized how important it is to question everything, the blizzard of the world shifted to the blizzard of my own deconstruction. I could not just keep falling and falling apart. I had to dig down to the roots, my foundation, to see what is real and what has been crumbling. I had no idea that I would lose my religion. I had no intention of losing my religion. But then I began to see that it was my religion itself that could not stand up to the blizzard of the world or the blizzard of deconstruction. Too many false assumptions, unfounded beliefs, and groundless claims. That which I thought was foundational was not worthy of the tests of life and the discernment of truth. The fire of refinement did not purify by removing the dross. Rather the fire of discernment burned it all up. Nothing left.

In my post, The Deconstruction of My Deconversion, toward the end of my commentary section, I said this. I am quoting my words because sometimes I forget the transformative power of my deconversion. That is why I write, so that I can remember.

From that post: “Once I turned 60, after 12 years of inquiry and writing, the scales fell off my eyes and I could see all of the wishful and magical thinking that I had been clinging to. At that point, I was finally ready to say "STOP" "enough!" It was at this point that I could fully let go of dogma. What I experienced profoundly and astonishingly is that I was finally free. No more shackles on my mind or on my conversations with others or in my acceptance and inclusion of others; unconditional love! I was finally free!” Exclusion is the mainstay of most successful religions.

Closer to the Light

I tangibly felt a freedom that goes beyond my mind to the freedom of my heart, unshackled, unburdened.

“If I loose my grip… will I take flight?” (Lyrics from Bruce Cockburn)

I began to see that as I loosen my grip, I could let go. Nothing to hang on to. Nothing to cling to. Nothing that is permanent, certain, or secure.

As I became ungrounded from that which is unfounded, I learned to be grounded in groundlessness, in what is real. It was only then that I found out what true freedom is.

Losing my religion was perhaps the most freeing thing that has ever happened to me.

Who'd'a' thought that the total unraveling of my life would result in such incredible freedom?

I could actually understand and experience what this means: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 2:2)

I also began to realize that unconditional love is not possible with hidden agendas like converting someone’s soul, talking them into believing what I believe, group-thinking them into conformity, following the teachings like disassociating with “pagans”, skeptics, free thinkers, and such.

Conditioning has been forming our beliefs and values since the crib and will continue to the grave. Again I am reminded how prescriptive our zip code is to predetermining each person’s values, beliefs, and religion.

Here is the kicker: the primary force that uproots living the natural way is our conditioning; and we don’t even know. Sometimes our conditioning is good and healthy and sometimes it is not. How do we know which way to go? We must learn to discern the natural way to live according to how we were meant to live as human beings within nature and within the universe; sustained by nature and the universe.

Anything that thwarts our ability to live the natural way, whether conditioning, beliefs, or values, is not healthy and whole. We must develop the discernment to see the natural way and our barriers and influences, both internal and external, to live our life in all of its fullness.

I could truly live and let live. No expectations. No hidden agendas. Just humans being human together.

Freedom Comes From the Natural Way

“Mastery of the world is achieved by letting things take their natural course. You cannot master the world by changing the natural way.” (Lao Tzu)

"Unfinished Poem: I would love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding." — John O'Donohue

“There is in all visible things an invisible fecundity, a dimmed light, a meek namelessness, a hidden wholeness. This mysterious Unity and Integrity is Wisdom, the Mother of all, Natura Naturans. There is in all things an inexhaustible sweetness and purity, a silence that is a fountain of action and of joy.” (Thomas Merton)

 I have, of necessity, developed an inner impulsion to grow, to deepen toward my source, uncovering and uprooting my illusions and myths, stories and fairy tales that I can no longer live by; revealing raw reality, unvarnished truth, unmasked authenticity, true integrity. This impulsive drive became a fire in my belly fueling an unstoppable passion to understand that which is real and true while attempting to resolve some of the cognitive, emotional, and spiritual dissonance that is like tinnitus constantly ringing, piercing, and clouding my soul.

But this drive had been dormant for close to 50 years. The domination of cultural influences had its foot on my neck exerting pressure, very subtly and imperceptibly; just enough to keep my face in the dirt, keeping me unaware that life is so much more than the canned world and life view that I have downloaded. Conditioning for humans is like water for fish. We are so immersed in our conditioning and thinking that we do not realize the extent that they control us.

Points of Light, Freedom, and Transformation

Before I begin this final section that lists these points of transformation for me, I need to say that in no way am I trying to convince anyone of anything except maybe that my own journey and evolution is real. If you don’t agree, fine then, don’t agree. This is not a matter of morality or religion or spirituality or right or wrong or light or darkness. It is just the story of my experiences learning over 15 years. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Nothing is fixed or set in stone

For me, as I work through the process of deconstructing my deconversion, I can begin to understand what has happened to me over the past few years and what is still happening in me. As I continue to go deeper into my own interior world, I am making the unconscious conscious, overturning and uprooting the moorings of my soul.

Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is absolutely fixed. Everything is in flux. Life is not static. It is dynamic, ever changing. Life is progressive, constantly unfolding. A hidden wholeness emerges. I used to try to control my world and mitigate the change, uncertainty, insecurity, discomfort. But when I realized that these are all stories in my head, I was free to embrace and rejoice that which is real.

Listening without Agenda

Truth never becomes “true” or “more true” by clenching my teeth or my fists… I

had to let go… of everything. I had to stop creating my own illusions. I had to open my hands, my mind, my heart, and my will to anything and everything that comes my way. I had to “let life come” as it is; emerging new, clear, and pristine everyday, without my agendas, interpretations, expectations; accepting all of life and all people unconditionally.

Inward Deepening begets Outward Expansion

I found that without dogma, my conversations were more open and penetrating. Without expectations, there was a freedom to allow the dialogue to lead us where it may. Without assumptions and interpretations, I could truly seek to understand and more clearly hear others. Without hidden agendas and ulterior motives I could love more deeply and unconditionally.

I know that I know nothing

"The further one goes, the less one knows." (Lao Tzu)

"The more a man knows, the less he talks." (Voltaire)

It is hard for pride to get a foothold when there is no reference from which I can think that I am better than everyone else.

There is no more:
I’m right. Therefore you’re wrong. I know. 

Therefore you don’t know. 

I have a corner on the truth. 

Come to MY church and 

you will have the corner on the truth also! 

I no longer have a hidden agenda (to save your soul) 

or an ulterior motive to change a person or convince someone.

I can let that all go.

No more supernatural expectations

As mentioned in the last paragraph, I no longer need to keep trying to change people, no more judging based on my divine standard. Now there is only affirming people being human. For years, I felt guilty for not leading people to Christ, especially the friends that I care about. I carried that guilt for 40 years. Now, to have the burden of that guilt lifted is so freeing!!!

"There is no guide, no teacher, no authority. There is only you - your relationship with others and with the world - there is nothing else.

It is so freeing when a lifetime of burden is lifted!

"When you reject something false which you have been carrying about with you for generations, when you throw off a burden of any kind, what takes place? You have more energy, haven't you? You have more capacity, more drive, greater intensity and vitality. If you do not feel this, then you have not thrown off the burden, you have not discarded the dead weight of authority. But when you have thrown it off and have this energy in which there is no fear at all - no fear of making a mistake, no fear of doing right or wrong - then is not that energy itself the mutation? We need a tremendous amount of energy and we dissipate it through fear but when there is this energy which comes from throwing off every form of fear, that energy itself produces the radical inward revolution." (Freedom from the Known, Krishnamurti)

All of life is a teacher

As I realize that all of life is my teacher, one of my greatest teachers is me and my own reactions, my own hot buttons, my points of defendedness that evoke surprising, emotional reactions.

Often I stand there puzzled and confused asking myself, did I just do that or say that?

I feel it in my heart and in my stomach. And I’m learning that these buttons are my own areas of insecurity, uncertainty, dissonance, hurt, and trauma. They seem to be cracks in my facade. But isn’t THAT where the light gets in??? What more can I want?

I must continue to get better at listening to the many hidden truths in each and every moment.

True equality is real

No longer am I the next level up on truth, above everyone else. No longer do I live better, act better, know better, or have a destination that is better.

Equality became real because I was no longer right. None of us are right. Actually, we are all wrong! Therefore there was no longer this drive to be right, which in turn makes others wrong.

The afterlife is no longer a distraction

When I thought that the goal of life is to make it to heaven and bring as many as possible out of this sinful world, then I was in a constant state of distraction from HERE AND NOW. All that exists is this present moment. We have no agency anywhere or anytime except for now. We have nothing but now. That is all we have. Removing the distraction of the afterlife allows me to appreciate so much more the life I have, right here, right now. Every breath I take, every step I take.

I have no one to look down on

No more Christian wars.

War on the poor.

War on the refugees.

War on the prostitutes.

War on the sinners.

War on people that think differently.

War on people that are different.

No more maintaining my status of being better than…

No more maintaining my image of the good Christian.

As my heart grows bigger and bigger... more and more inclusive!


Love is truly unconditional

I don’t have to worry about saving the souls of others. I can just love them and care about them knowing that I am not any better than they are and that I am not here to change them.

Valuing life from the bottom up

I now get dirty because I’m already dirty. I now look at life from the bottom up, through the eyes of the brokenhearted, and through my own eyes of brokenheartedness. I no longer am harboring my perceived profundity and wisdom hoping to show it off. I am at the bottom. I am in the dirt with the rest of mankind.

A Genuine Heart of Sadness

I never understood the value of this but part of my deconversion is getting worn out and tired to the bone. Actually, I was already weary to the bone. I felt a need to maintain a good witness to my Christianity by being happy happy happy. I got good at displaying the facade and using my default technique of “smile and nod.” Somehow, the way upward is toward happy heaven when reality and being real is a downward journey; down to the earth, down to where the brokenhearted live and move and have their being. I found that this is my place of belonging. Not up where everyone is striving to be and become but downward in solidarity with the poor and downtrodden, the tattered and torn, the battered and bruised. And a significant part of that belonging is authenticity; a genuine heart of sadness, knowing there are so many that are hurting in this world.

Abundance is a fountain that can only be tapped at the source, and that which is real lies at our Source, our Ground of Being.

The Surface is nothing but the scurrying around of busy-ness, chasing scarcity mindlessly like a dog chases its tail. If we stay on the surface, we can never go within, deeper, to the Source.

“Aren’t we troubled by our culture’s overemphasis on happiness? Don’t we fear that this rabid focus on exuberance leads to half-lives, to bland existences, to wastelands of mechanistic behavior?” (Eric G Wilson, Against Happiness: in praise of melancholy)

Sitting with Sadness & How it Can Lead to Awakening

Eric Wilson writes that “Sadness reconciles us to realities. It throws us into the flow of life,” because “When we are forced to face the fact that our existences are but mere blips on the scale of cosmic time, we realize how absolutely precious every instant is.” In the same way, Chokyi Nyiam Rinpoche writes that, “The profound sadness that overwhelms us when we understand the impermanent nature of all phenomena opens us up to the world around us.”

Struck by Sorrow

“When we experience profound sorrow and sadness, our vision of the world dramatically shifts into clearer focus. The clouded lens that shields our eyes from the truth of our being cracks, and the unencumbered light of reality pierces through—sometimes only for a moment. When we are struck by sorrow, all the walls that we’ve built up around ourselves under the auspices of safety and security—those defenses—begin to crumble.”

Profound Peace

And then there is the peace, the peace that transcends all understanding. Not peace based on hopes and dreams, assumptions and beliefs, but peace based on letting go and accepting life as it is and accepting me for who I am. It is a peace based on the freedom to be me without the need to be conformed to anything or anyone. A peace without agenda and without appeal.

I can rest easy knowing that I do not need to save anyone from hell.

When all of life is really right here and right now, then there are no distractions. Nothing to accomplish. Nothing for me to do or be. Just me. Just here. Just now. There is such peace in simplicity.

The simplicity of just living, just being

I have been striving for years, all of my life, to understand my place in life, where I belong, how to live a meaningful life, and finding true purpose in life. 

Finally, I am beginning to see that 

there is no purpose in life except to live. 

There is not meaning in life except to live. 

There is no understanding of life except to live, listen, and learn. 

And the only belonging there is is to rest in just being. 

No more becoming. 

No more striving. 

No more yearning. 

Just living life as it is. 

Following the Way (the way it is) .

Basic Goodness

There is no more being born in sin and calling myself a sinner all of my life. I can rest in the great goodness that surrounds me. And when I act from this goodness, then my actions are good without any ulterior motives.

I can look at me and at life and at this world and at the universe and proclaim, “It is good.”

Loving mystery, wonder, and awe

No more fear of uncertainty since we share that with all of creation.

No more fear of the future. When we live HERE AND NOW,

then the future emerges gently as it unfolds before us;

while we live, listen, and learn.

No more fear of feeling lost because we are all as lost as the next person.

When we know these things we become like a child, seeing the world with wonder and awe.

“Where the mystery is the deepest is the gate of all that is subtle and wonderful.” (Lao Tzu)

These learnings or unlearnings provides the foundation for wisdom to grow.

Wisdom begins only when we face what we do not know; when we face our ignorance, our limitations, our nothingness, our smallness, our pride . . . and then let go . . .

True wisdom emerges only as we rise up from our ignorance and our nothingness rather than rising up out of what we think we know, what we want to be, and our illusion of somethingness; out of humility rather than pride, out of silence rather than noise, stillness rather than busyness.

There is no good and bad. There is just life!

"Something good happens? Good!

Something bad happens? Good!" (Lao Tzu)

We think, especially in the western world, that everything is split up and broken down. We do this because we think it is necessary in order to study and understand things. But in reality, bad is just the flip side of good. Darkness is the flip side of light. Sorrow is the flip side of joy.

When we can let go of our dualistic thinking and embrace the reality of a nondual world, our eyes open in wonder as we learn to see that it is all good, it is all beautiful.

When we say do not judge, it is because it is anchored in reality. Judgement is irrelevant. I no longer look down on others. I can let go and just be. Live and let live.

This is for me perhaps the most deeply rooted conditioning. It is the hardest to uproot. All of my life, everything is right and wrong, good and bad, pretty or ugly. It is a knee jerk, automatic reaction. I expect people to think like me, believe like me, act like me, and be like me. The whole world references back to me because it is me that is better than everyone else. I would judge the clothes people wore, the cars they drove, their homes and neighborhoods, their workplaces; centering it all on me and what I thought was best or right or more meaningful. Among religions, mine was the best, making the others worse than mine. Even among my own Christian religion, we would judge other churches as not believing right, being too liberal, being too lax, too right, too left, never good enough. Here is an example:

“When it was published in 2001, the World Christian Encyclopedia counted 33,830 denominations worldwide; with the amount of debate and division over theology and orthodoxy since then, that number is undoubtedly higher.” Denominations | Topics

This fundamentalist thinking for me was so subtle that it took me 50 years to realize what I was doing. I’m so ashamed of what it may have done to others but now I am so free to just be and let others just be, as I seek forgiveness...

The humiliation of humility bursts forth with freedom.

“There is in all visible things an invisible fecundity, a dimmed light, a meek namelessness, a hidden wholeness. This mysterious Unity and Integrity is Wisdom, the Mother of all, Natura Naturans. There is in all things an inexhaustible sweetness and purity, a silence that is a fountain of action and of joy.” (Thomas Merton)

The Trauma of Toxicity

 

Toxicity that is Overt is called being Mean. 

Toxicity that is Covert is called Hypocrisy.

Covert toxicity is much more destructive due to its two-faced deception.

Not only is it more hurtful to those around us but it is more destructive to oneself.

The toxic stress from this upside down world brings me to my knees as I feel so deeply the the undertow of the current politics of hate, fear, and rage pulling me under, submerging me, and making me so weary.

Over the past 5 years, 

Toxic Politics has broken my back and

Toxic Religion has broken my spirit.

Toxic People have broken my heart.

I don’t think I’ll ever recover.

I don’t think our country will ever recover. 

I don’t think Christianity in America will ever recover.

I know that I can no longer, in good conscience, identify with this toxicity as I learn to guard my heart that is precious, gentle, tender, and so vulnerable.

In a culture of war, everyone loses.

"We do not become less human by purging toxins from our emotional life but rather more nobly human. Abandoning greed, hatred, and delusion at every opportunity, we are still left with a rich, nuanced, and healthier emotional life."

(Andrew Olendzki)

"It is in our lives, and not from our words, that our religion must be read."

(Thomas Jefferson, 1816)

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."
(Dalai Lama)

I’m weary of seeing smiling people that profess that they are true believers 

but are hypocrites, fuming with toxicity, hate, judgement, fear. 

Offering acts of kindness as they stab in the back 

their neighbor, brothers, sisters, strangers, the most vulnerable. 

Often we don’t realize that how we vote is a stab in their backs, 

revealing the fruit of whatever type of tree we are. 

By our fruit we reveal our true self, our true religion, our true politics, our true compassion, our true kindness, and our true unconditional love.

We forget that a

Good Tree = Good Fruit. 

Bad Tree = Bad Fruit. 

It is the way of all of creation.

It is human nature.

It is the way we are.

Unless we choose otherwise.

Matthew 7: 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

Good Fruit: The fruit of the Spirit, found in Galatians 5:22-23, is made up of the following nine qualities or gifts: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

IF I am going to live a life of compassion, then compassion MUST be seen in my actions.

IF I am going to live a life of love, then love MUST be seen in my words and actions.

IF I am going to live a life of acceptance, then acceptance MUST be seen in my words and actions.

IF I am going to live a life of kindness, then kindness MUST be seen in my words and actions.

IF I am going to live a life of peace, then peace MUST be seen in my words and actions.

Too often I see people living lives of judgement, rejection, hate, fear, resistance, exclusion, while speaking words of kindness and love with a smile. Their actions demonstrate something very different than what they think they are, than their thoughts, than their beliefs, than their religion, than their politics.

You tell me who you are and I say, show me.

You tell me what your values are and I say, show me.

You tell me what you believe and I say, show me.

Show me by your words and actions, politics and religion.

"The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members." -Gandhi.

Too many people say they follow a religion of love and compassion and yet their actions are to turn away and their politics seek to cut support for the most vulnerable Americans.

Too many people say they care but their actions and their politics show a total lack of empathy. 

It is too easy to forget that except for Grace, there go I. 

I am no better than the worst of the poor and downtrodden.

I am no better than the worst of the worst.

If it was my child or my aging parent, 

what would I say, what would I do, what would I believe, how would I vote?