Listening without Agenda

 Listen without Agenda

So that judgement isn’t clouded by dogma

“When is the last time you had a great conversation? A conversation which wasn’t just two intersecting monologues, which is what passes for conversation in this culture. When have you had a great conversation in which: you overheard yourself saying things you never knew you knew; you heard yourself receiving from somebody words that absolutely found places within you that you had thought you had lost; you and your partner ascended to a different plane; memories of the exchange continued to sing in your mind for weeks afterward?” (John O’Donohue)

“A GREAT QUESTION refuses to be answered; so it keeps leading us into deeper connections with each other and into deeper thinking.” (Judith Snow)

For many years, especially since I started blogging in 2006, I have relished conversations that matter, especially those that go deep into the essence of life. Often I would meet with people locally because of something I wrote in my blog that intrigued them. It was not unusual for these conversations to go on for 3 or 4 hours, bursting with meaning and abundance. I also had so many conversations that stemmed from my blog with people all around the world from a variety of cultures and religions or non religions. I love that and still do. But I discovered a surprising and deeper revelation that once I started getting rid of my own preconceived ideas and assumptions, or at least became aware of them, I could listen and understand more clearly. I could see that it is nothing more than posturing, ways for me to think I know. BUT I KNOW THAT if I already know, I can no longer learn. I know that learning begins only when I admit that I don’t know. So I ask myself, why all the posturing?

Fiction, Reality, and Truth

I began to understand that there is reality and then there are fictions. Reality is the things that I can see and touch. Things that suffer. And things that are still there when I’m not looking or when I’m not there. I realized that dogma and assumptions, beliefs and opinions are all fictions. They can never be reality because they are conjured up and exist in my head. They are made up of thoughts and words that I hope and wish were true. Words are nothing but successive approximations of something we are trying to remember or describe. But all I can know is that reality can only exist here and now, in real time. Reality is the manifest universe.

Why can’t truth exist in my head? 

First of all, truth must be based on reality. 

And secondly, neither truth nor reality can fit in my head. No matter how big I think my head is, it ain’t big enough for any kind of reality. So all I’m left with are thoughts and words and images.

And thirdly, it is because the way this world works is that words are made up of thoughts and truth is made up of words and words can never be reality because words are only signs and symbols that can do nothing more than point to reality. 

As soon as we say god or heaven or hell or angels then we use words and words are signs and symbols that become labels. Labels are words and words can never be the reality itself. They define, categorize, and limit reality so that we can put it in our heads in story form so we can remember, understand, and describe things as accurately as humanly possible. No matter how much I wanted something to be true or real, my yearning, my wanting, my desiring, and my hoping can never create reality. Reality and truth stand alone, on their own with no need for our labels and names. No matter how much or how hard I long for and imagine reality and truth, it does not make it any more real.

I finally understood that truth never becomes “true” or “more true” by clenching my teeth or my fists… I had to let go… of everything. I had to stop creating my own illusions. I had to open my hands, my mind, my heart, and my will to anything and everything that comes my way. I had to let life come as it is, without definition or limitation; emerging new, clear, and pristine every day, without my agendas, interpretations, determinations, or expectations; accepting all of life and all people unconditionally. For more, see Inward Deepening begets Outward Expansion

Note: See further discussion of reality versus truth (below) as I rethink them in the process of writing this blog.

I found that without dogma, my conversations were more open and penetrating. Without expectations, there was a freedom to allow the dialogue to lead us where it may. By suspending assumptions and interpretations, I could truly seek to understand and more clearly hear others. Becoming aware of hidden agendas and ulterior motives, I could love more deeply and unconditionally.

Too often we think we are listening, but actually we are not really listening but rather we are “listening for” something that agrees with our thinking and feeds our ego, which means it aligns with our agenda, dogma, beliefs, opinions, etc. Another term for it is confirmation bias. So we are screening what we hear based on what we want to hear, based on what agrees with me, based on what is the same as me, based on what I’ve been told is true, based on the same thinking I’ve been stuck in all my life. 

"We become especially hostile when trying to defend opinions we know, deep down, are false. Rather than trying on a different pair of goggles, we become mental contortionists, twisting and turning until we find an angle of vision that keeps our current views intact." [Adam Grant]

And by the time we think we heard the person, we are really busy formulating our own response and totally missing the point that the person was trying to make. That’s how we stay stuck in our repeating cycles of assumptions and end up cheating ourselves and others. We end up having conversations with ourselves, thinking we are “all that” because we found another person that agrees with me, that I can absorb into me. But we forget that it is different ideas that broaden our perspective and deepen our understanding. It is diversity that sustains us, not our sameness.

“Our disasters come from letting nothing live for itself, from the longing we have to pull everything, even friends, into ourselves, and let nothing alone.” (Robert Bly)

“I began to realize that my identity depended not upon any beliefs I had, inherited beliefs or manufactured beliefs, but my identity actually depended on how much attention I was paying to things that were other than myself — and that as you deepen this intentionality and this attention, you started to broaden and deepen your own sense of presence.” (David Whyte)

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” (Thomas Merton, 1915-68)

Rethinking Reality Versus Truth

I realized as I was rereading and editing the above section on Fiction, Reality, and Truth that I was getting confused about what I meant by Truth. Generally, I’ve thought of truth and reality as being the same thing just as I expressed it in the last section. But when I contrast reality with fictions, truth got very fuzzy for me. And who wants fuzzy truth. What I’m beginning to understand is that I had defined truth versus fiction but I hadn’t clarified for myself what I meant by truth. I think that I’ve uncovered an assumption that was confusing things in my mind. I think of the opposite of fiction as nonfiction. Nonfiction is a true story, right? But a true story is different from objective reality. Truth is what I use to label as something real in my own judgment. So what I mean is that now I see truth as the story I tell myself about what I believe is real.

This is a great example of mental models or my worldview getting in the way of clarity. For all of my life, my worldview said that there are two kinds of truth, absolute truth and subjective truth. I see now that I had been using the word truth as something similar to reality, meaning absolute truth. But what does that even mean? The way I was taught growing up is that absolute truth is the unchangeable truth of God and the bible. But now I see that is part of the dogma that I have let go of. There is no absolute, there is nothing certain, there is nothing final. Everything is temporal, uncertain, and changing. That is the problem of dogma. It requires absolutes which require certainty. If no absolutes exist then neither does absolute truth. So now I see that in my vocabulary going forward, I must clarify what I mean by truth. And if truth to me is different than truth to you, then truth cannot be absolute. It is subjective to context and interpretation. WAIT!!! That means that subjective truth means 1) anything someone labels as truth, since there is no absolute truth. 2) When we look at fiction versus reality, truth is simply my name or label for something that I think is true, meaning that it falls into the category of fiction every time. In other words, truth is part of our thoughts and our words that we are using to create an image of reality. So for me, when I come close to what I think is real, then I label it true. But that doesn’t mean it became reality or real. It is a descriptor in my mind. Truth is simply another story in my head that I use to label a reality that I am judging to be real. But I know that none of this is final since, if I already know, I can no longer learn.

SO… rather than backing up in this post and changing my mixed use of “truth” in the last paragraph, I’m going to leave it as is as a reminder of the lesson I just learned. Conditioning is so subtle that I didn’t even realize I was misusing the word “truth” but I do know that I had a growing dissonance that began in my subconsciousness and eventually now has emerged in my consciousness. I’m curious if anyone else caught that dissonance.

“What is truth? You can see where there is truth and where there isn’t, but I seem to have lost my sight, I see nothing. You boldly settle all the important questions, but tell me, my dear boy, isn’t it because you are young and the questions of the world haven’t hurt you yet?” 

(Anton Chechov, The Cherry Orchard) 

Great Conversations

Learning to talk with each other again

Begin with understanding. Seek to understand more than to be understood. Conversation is not about me, it is about us.

Begin with curiosity and inquiry. Use these qualities to first open my mind and heart and ears. 

Only then should I open my mouth with questions to understand more deeply.

Begin with questions more than answers because “A great question refuses to be answered; so it keeps leading us into deeper connections with each other and into deeper thinking” (Judith Snow).

Questions beget questions that eventually lead us to a deeper reality. 

Answers stop questions and hence stop all understanding proclaiming that it is I that knows all.

A great conversation is the process of uncovering shared understanding of reality and truth; a process for moving forward together.

“Since our earliest ancestors gathered in circles around the warmth of a fire, conversation has been our primary means for discovering what we care about, sharing knowledge, imagining the future, and acting together to both survive and thrive.” (Juanita Brown, The World Cafe)

“‘I believe we can change the world if we start listening to one another again.’ I still believe this. I still believe that if we turn to one another, if we begin talking with each other – especially with those we call stranger or enemy – then this world can reverse its darkening direction and change for the good.” (Margaret Wheatley)

“The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth.”
(Niels Bohr)

“Once a profound truth has been seen, it cannot be 'unseen'. There's no 'going back' to the person you were. Even if such a possibility did exist... why would you want to?”
(Dave Sim)