There are two ways that we can live in this world
I - Thou: You and I are equals with equal value and equal voice. Dignity, trust, and respect undergirds our relationship. We meet eye to eye, face to face, without threat or dominance, without expectations or demands. Thou applies to all things since we are in relationship with all things: all people, all creatures, the earth upon which we depend, the universe upon which the earth depends.
I - It: When Thou is diminished to It, the “I” changes and the world changes. The relationship becomes transactional and conditional; it is devalued and becomes worthless. We treat the “other” as an object to be used for selfish purposes. Worst of all, the “I” is diminished to a user, a dominator, a controller, a consumer. Both the “I” and the “It” have become objects… things… using each other.
We must learn to see all as "thou", as sacred: all people, all living creatures, the whole earth, and the universe. All are of great value to be honored and respected, which means they are to be cared for unconditionally.
We must learn to see when we have diminished the "other" to an "it"; an object or thing for our use, abuse, or disdain. Seeing the "other" as lesser than us is in itself an act of violence or profanity that not only diminishes the "other" but diminishes ourselves even more.
The person that lives in this world in an "I" - "Thou" relationship with all creation completely changes when it shifts to an "i" - "it" relationship. We become takers and users for our own means, thereby diminishing our own humanity, our own sacredness, our own integrity.
This is the beginning of the demise of our own humanity.
Using our words, attitudes, and actions we bring on so mindlessly the destruction of the innate sacredness of all creation.
MARTIN BUBER: ARE YOU A ‘THOU’ OR AN ‘IT’?
By Makenna Berry
“I believe that the key to creating society that is nourishing, empowering and healing for everyone lies in how we relate to one another.” — Martin Buber, an Austrian born Jewish philosopher
I came across Martin Buber’s work early in my studies of existentialism and existential psychology. Buber’s philosophy was genuine, and showed his love and hope for humanity. His existential philosophical piece entitled “I Thou” is a philosophical discussion on how we relate to other, consciously and unconsciously, and what makes us human.
This is what drew me to his idea. Buber introduced two distinct ways of relating I-Thou and I-It.
In the I-Thou encounter, we relate to each other as authentic beings, without judgment, qualification, or objectification. I meet you as you are, and you meet me as who I am. In the I-Thou relationship, what is key is how I am with you in my own heart and mind.
The I-It encounter is the opposite in that we relate to another as object, completely outside of ourselves. https://www.saybrook.edu/unbound/martin-buber-prejudgment/
The I-It encounter is the opposite in that we relate to another as object, completely outside of ourselves. https://www.saybrook.edu/unbound/martin-buber-prejudgment/
Let’s step out of the philosophical language. How does this show up in reality?
RELATIONSHIP DEFINES EVERYTHING
Martin Buber’s I-Thou relationship captures for us an elusive, yet critical understanding of life. Our perception of life is determined not only by our thoughts but also by what we bring to it.
Do we bring an open and vulnerable heart, willing to give and receive, willing to feel the pain of compassion, willing to understand at the deepest level? (I-Thou)
Do we bring a closed and protected heart, unwilling to risk giving and receiving, unwilling to feel the pain of compassion; full of fear and hate, worry and regret? (I-it)
A hostile person lives in a hostile world.
A loving person lives in a loving world.
Same world!
In each moment lies a choice;
life or death, sacred or profane, love or hate, trust or fear, hidden or revealed, closed or open, joy or sorrow, authentic or fake, peace or violence, I-thou or I-it?
Over the last 40 years, I’ve worked with people with a wide variety of disabilities in a variety of settings. For many years, I did what I was told, reacted as I was trained, did my job, maintained control, and went home. But as I kept seeking to find more meaning in work that seemed to have real potential for being meaningful, I felt like I was missing something. 10 years ago, after I lost my job, my family, my home, my mental health (my American dream), I had to reboot everything, re-examine everything, and see everything through different eyes.
For far too many years, I saw those that I was working with as people that I was hired to teach and fix.
Unknowingly, I had adopted an institutional approach to my work where I did what I was told, kept things in control, punched the time clock, and went home. But after I had lost myself, my purpose, my meaning, I found that my only way out was through my relationships with the very people that I thought I was supposed to help. Rather than doing things “for” them, I began doing things “with” them. Rather than being the teacher, I became the student, seeking everyday to listen and find what it is that I must learn that day. Rather than being the mentor, I opened up to be mentored. I now see that I had slid into an I-It relationship from which I would never recover by myself.
These people saved me because life had broken them just like me.
Life became meaningless, just like me.
They felt worthless and powerless just like me.
Each day became a day of inquiry and discovery, wondering what it is that I could learn, what it is that I would be taught.
I-It: I was not fully present. I was busy. When they needed me, I was slow to respond because what I was doing was more important.
After my divorce, that loss changed me
I-Thou: When they were with me, I was always ready to listen. I was present. If I was doing something, I was always ready to drop what I was doing and respond to them.
Discipline is transformed into empowerment:
I learned that I did not know what is best for them. They do. I realized that controlling them is about me and my comfort. Helping them to know themselves and act according to their own integrity, according to who they are, is what is transformative.
I-Thou can only be lived NOW. BE HERE NOW. BE NOW HERE. There is nothing else except for the context of the now. Who are you here with? What are we feeling now? What is the quality of the interactions?
A loving person lives in a loving world.
Same world!
In each moment lies a choice; life or death, sacred or profane, love or hate, trust or fear, hidden or revealed, closed or open, joy or sorrow, authentic or fake, peace or violence, I-thou or I-it?
I-Thou: You meet me as I am. I meet you as you are.
Live and let live.
Be and let be.
Over the last 40 years, I’ve worked with people with a wide variety of disabilities in a variety of settings. For many years, I did what I was told, reacted as I was trained, did my job, maintained control, and went home. But as I kept seeking to find more meaning in work that seemed to have real potential for being meaningful, I felt like I was missing something. 10 years ago, after I lost my job, my family, my home, my mental health (my American dream), I had to reboot everything, re-examine everything, and see everything through different eyes.
For far too many years, I saw those that I was working with as people that I was hired to teach and fix.
Unknowingly, I had adopted an institutional approach to my work where I did what I was told, kept things in control, punched the time clock, and went home. But after I had lost myself, my purpose, my meaning, I found that my only way out was through my relationships with the very people that I thought I was supposed to help. Rather than doing things “for” them, I began doing things “with” them. Rather than being the teacher, I became the student, seeking everyday to listen and find what it is that I must learn that day. Rather than being the mentor, I opened up to be mentored. I now see that I had slid into an I-It relationship from which I would never recover by myself.
These people saved me because life had broken them just like me.
Life became meaningless, just like me.
They felt worthless and powerless just like me.
Each day became a day of inquiry and discovery, wondering what it is that I could learn, what it is that I would be taught.
I can now see that I had learned perhaps one of the deepest lessons of life during that time.
How to approach life with
I-Thou, not I-It
Sacredness, not profanity
Peace, not violence
Wisdom, not a closed mind
Understanding, not a closed heart.
I learned that love is not love if it is conditional.
Love can have no expectations and no demands,
Love is unconditional and without limitations.
Love is never transactional.
Love never objectifies.
Love is spacious.
Love is inclusive.
Love is spacious.
Love is inclusive.
Love never ends.
My kids
I-It: I was not fully present. I was busy. When they needed me, I was slow to respond because what I was doing was more important.
After my divorce, that loss changed me
I-Thou: When they were with me, I was always ready to listen. I was present. If I was doing something, I was always ready to drop what I was doing and respond to them.
Discipline is transformed into empowerment:
I learned that I did not know what is best for them. They do. I realized that controlling them is about me and my comfort. Helping them to know themselves and act according to their own integrity, according to who they are, is what is transformative.
I-Thou can only be lived NOW. BE HERE NOW. BE NOW HERE. There is nothing else except for the context of the now. Who are you here with? What are we feeling now? What is the quality of the interactions?
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