The Trauma of Toxicity

 

Toxicity that is Overt is called being Mean. 

Toxicity that is Covert is called Hypocrisy.

Covert toxicity is much more destructive due to its two-faced deception.

Not only is it more hurtful to those around us but it is more destructive to oneself.

The toxic stress from this upside down world brings me to my knees as I feel so deeply the the undertow of the current politics of hate, fear, and rage pulling me under, submerging me, and making me so weary.

Over the past 5 years, 

Toxic Politics has broken my back and

Toxic Religion has broken my spirit.

Toxic People have broken my heart.

I don’t think I’ll ever recover.

I don’t think our country will ever recover. 

I don’t think Christianity in America will ever recover.

I know that I can no longer, in good conscience, identify with this toxicity as I learn to guard my heart that is precious, gentle, tender, and so vulnerable.

In a culture of war, everyone loses.

"We do not become less human by purging toxins from our emotional life but rather more nobly human. Abandoning greed, hatred, and delusion at every opportunity, we are still left with a rich, nuanced, and healthier emotional life."

(Andrew Olendzki)

"It is in our lives, and not from our words, that our religion must be read."

(Thomas Jefferson, 1816)

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."
(Dalai Lama)

I’m weary of seeing smiling people that profess that they are true believers 

but are hypocrites, fuming with toxicity, hate, judgement, fear. 

Offering acts of kindness as they stab in the back 

their neighbor, brothers, sisters, strangers, the most vulnerable. 

Often we don’t realize that how we vote is a stab in their backs, 

revealing the fruit of whatever type of tree we are. 

By our fruit we reveal our true self, our true religion, our true politics, our true compassion, our true kindness, and our true unconditional love.

We forget that a

Good Tree = Good Fruit. 

Bad Tree = Bad Fruit. 

It is the way of all of creation.

It is human nature.

It is the way we are.

Unless we choose otherwise.

Matthew 7: 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

Good Fruit: The fruit of the Spirit, found in Galatians 5:22-23, is made up of the following nine qualities or gifts: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

IF I am going to live a life of compassion, then compassion MUST be seen in my actions.

IF I am going to live a life of love, then love MUST be seen in my words and actions.

IF I am going to live a life of acceptance, then acceptance MUST be seen in my words and actions.

IF I am going to live a life of kindness, then kindness MUST be seen in my words and actions.

IF I am going to live a life of peace, then peace MUST be seen in my words and actions.

Too often I see people living lives of judgement, rejection, hate, fear, resistance, exclusion, while speaking words of kindness and love with a smile. Their actions demonstrate something very different than what they think they are, than their thoughts, than their beliefs, than their religion, than their politics.

You tell me who you are and I say, show me.

You tell me what your values are and I say, show me.

You tell me what you believe and I say, show me.

Show me by your words and actions, politics and religion.

"The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members." -Gandhi.

Too many people say they follow a religion of love and compassion and yet their actions are to turn away and their politics seek to cut support for the most vulnerable Americans.

Too many people say they care but their actions and their politics show a total lack of empathy. 

It is too easy to forget that except for Grace, there go I. 

I am no better than the worst of the poor and downtrodden.

I am no better than the worst of the worst.

If it was my child or my aging parent, 

what would I say, what would I do, what would I believe, how would I vote?

Fragmentation or Wholeness

A Dearth of Authenticity

“If spirituality is to be authentic, it is not going to be disconnected from the realities of all of our lives—from your day-to-day life and from our collective life. Even our realization, our awakening experiences, our revelatory moments—they all, in their own way, seek to be grounded in the embodied soil of our own humanity.” ~ Adyashanti

 

“I’m discovering that the reasons I tell myself that I do things are not the real reasons.” (Charles Eisenstein)

 

Each of us have an inner life and an outer life. Visible and invisible. To what extent do they match? To what extent are they both seen in me? Seen by others… and by myself???

“When we reconnect who we are with what we do, we approach our lives and our work with renewed passion, commitment, and integrity.” (Center for Courage and Renewal)

Being me is a blessing and a curse. 

I am so introspective that it is exhausting.

But if I am not questioning myself like this,

Then who am I???

If I don’t do the right thing.

Then I am no one.

 

“As above, so below, 

as within, so without, 

as the universe, so the soul…”

― Hermes Trismegistus

"An unexamined life is not worth living."

(Socrates)

”Appear As You Are,

Be As You Appear”

-JaLaL-UD-Din Rumi-

 

Why are we so polarized collectively?

It begins with us being so fragmented individually.

Does our spirituality define our political decisions?

How do we treat people that think differently?

What is our response to racial upheaval?

What is our response to the pandemic?

 

Why do we do what we do?

Why do we follow the politics we follow? Because my friends or neighbors do? Because my church does? Because that’s what I feel I must do? Because I’m told to?

 

Why do we follow at all? What is our source of authority? Is it our culture? Our teachers? The televangelist or preacher?

Why do we not follow our heart? Our inner teacher. Our inner Light. Our inner Spirit?

Why do we not follow that which we know down deep is the right thing to do?

Truth, Wisdom, Meaning

The search for truth

The search for wisdom

The search for meaning

… out there somewhere?

or...

The discovery of truth

The discovery of wisdom

The discovery of meaning

… deep in our bones?

Truth, Wisdom, and Meaning are very important words for me. But I find myself using them interchangeably and also using them without a very clear understanding of what they mean, their depth of meaning, and how to use them in a more distinguishable or distinctive way, i.e. unique from each other. This is my attempt.

“We attain wisdom not by creating ideals but by learning to see things clearly, as they are.” (Jack Kornfield)

“The first revolution is when you change your mind about how you look at things and see that there might be another way to look at it that you have not been shown” (Gil Scott-Heron)

Discover the truth wherever it may be found.

Refine the truth through the fire of inner discernment.

Follow the truth wherever it may lead you.

From Dissonance to Wholeness

From Myth to Meaning

“There is in all visible things… a hidden wholeness.” (Thomas Merton)

As I have been pounding out my story in my mind, and in writing, in Living with Open Hands 1.0, I found myself examining my story more closely as well as examining the underpinnings of my story to see if the foundation of what I’ve built my life on is solid; all the while assuming it was rock solid. Of course, that is the very nature of assumptions, right? We wouldn’t have accepted and adopted them if they were not true, right? I mean, that would be crazy, to believe something that is not true…

Much of my writing had as its purpose to shore up and strengthen that foundation.

But I had learned the hard way that the “American Dream” was only a dream that would end up crashing against the rocks at my feet as I stood there wondering; what about God, Family, Career, Home Ownership, a secure retirement?

What about all those people that I know that live this great American Dream?

What about all of those great values that I was raised to pursue?

What about working my hands to the bone so that I could retire in a home that I had paid for?

What about being able to raise my own kids 100% of the time, instead of 50% of the time that divorce and joint custody legally mandated?

What about being able to depend on my own mental health in order to achieve my dreams as it crashed into clinical depression?

What about the career that was so meaningful to myself and to others but that was not financially sustainable by the systems I was serving?

What about that god that was supposed to be there, guiding me to achieve my All American Dream? What about that omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent buddy, father, and savior in the sky that has as its greatest attribute… silence… constant, unchanging silence; and invisibility... constant, unchanging invisibility? After crashing so painfully, I cried out and I cried out and I cried out and there was nothing but crickets. I just needed to heal. Nothing… What???

"There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true." (Soren Kierkegaard, 1813-1855, philosopher)

But then, also, there has been this nagging cognitive dissonance that would not go away. What does a person do when beliefs more and more run counter to reality? I ended up sitting with it for 40 years. I'm a very deeply thoughtful person, so it took that long for me to begin to understand and unravel the dissonance. I was not easily unmoored. I was solidly grounded, anchored, moored to that which I had been told. Sort of a combination of core strengths, determination and stubbornness. 

“The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feelings of discomfort that result when your beliefs run counter to your behaviors and/or new information that is presented to you. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so when what you hold true is challenged or what you do doesn't jibe with what you think, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance (lack of agreement)” https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-dissonance-2795012

What is this cognitive dissonance that was nipping at my heels, nagging at my mind, and ripping at my soul? Here is a very small list of the things that have stood out to me. The more I learn and contemplate, the list has grown many times greater than this and will continue lifelong because when something is hidden for so long and then you finally uncover it and see it, you can never unsee it. Hidden truth, once revealed, can never be unseen nor unheard. And then I began seeing it everywhere!

1. The primary story of western culture is Christianity, something that was based on supposed events from over 2000 years ago. Actually, I don’t have as much dissonance with the people’s stories from back then; their conversions and transformations and Jesus’ teachings. But it was mostly the belief systems that began to develop during the next few centuries. I think that the teachings of Jesus changed many lives and made a huge difference in a good way. Just look at the spread of Christianity. It is miraculous. But he did not teach doctrine or creeds. He taught us how to treat each other and live our lives with compassion, with integrity and wholeness. He did not come to create a new religion, he taught us how to be human with each other, no matter your religion. Being “born again” had nothing to do with belief systems and everything to do with our attitudes and our actions toward each other; our authenticity, our integrity, our compassion our priorities. "Do not be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your minds" also meant to live as decent human beings with each other.
2. 40 years after getting a bachelor’s degree in religion, Greek, and bible, at a religious college that required me to develop a clear and evangelical Christian world and life view, I began to realize that any hierarchical authority, any belief system, any creed, any dogma, any theology is a human construct, put together by men to assuage their fears of the unknown and death and to bestow dominating authority upon the rulers, teachers, preachers, bishops and priests. 
3. And I began to realize that the Bible was simply the process of collecting the most useful manuscripts of the 4th century and then codifying and canonizing them as the inspired word of god as a tool to appease the king of the Roman Empire and expand the empire. 
4. I’ve been told all my life that the Bible is the end-all for living. Nothing outside of the Bible is necessary, that it contains everything we need for life and godliness. Then I learned that the New Testament Bible wasn’t even written until 40 to 80 years after these events happened. AND that the gospels were written anonymously; not by eyewitnesses? Not by the disciples? AND that the books accredited to Paul were the first ones written, which contains almost nothing about the life of Christ (only his death) and that Paul was not an eyewitness… What???
5. Then these religious people fought over what should be considered the Bible, the official inspired Word of God, for about 400 years. It wasn’t until Constantine decreed that a committee of his appointed people decide which books would be included in the Bible. 800 to 900 documents were found in the Dead Sea Scrolls that had been left out and then hidden for 1200 to 1600 years. Why? Because the Nicean Council was given the charge to create an official Bible that would be institutionalized by the Roman Empire as a tool for their quest to conquer the world and control people… What??? 
6. Then there are a whole myriad of beliefs that are required to be followed by intelligent people. If there was a God that is so angry and jealous, why would that god condemn the people he created in his image, to hell; while at the same time commanding people not to kill but to love unconditionally? Yet because they didn’t bow down and kiss his feet they were sent to eternal torture. What an egotistical, narcissistic god that is more like a power hungry human dictator that should be dethroned. And those that didn’t burn eternally in hell would be forced to sing his praises in a choir forever. For me, I consider growing up and maturing to mean no longer being a person in need of constant attention or praise. Why would I or any decent being or any god even demand that; especially if that god has existed eternally without praise? 
7. I realized that this “god” was something that we created in our own image and projected human characteristics onto so that we could make sense of something that we had no idea about; an anthropomorphic god of our own creation… What???  "You can safely assume you created God in your image when it turns out God hates all the same people as you do." (Anne Lamott)
8. There is a theory that has the name “God of the Gaps” that grapples with where the idea of god came from. It states that as we see the greatness of the universe and the greatness of the mysteries that surround the universe, as humans, we are compelled to name that mystery and greatness and define it. For example, for centuries since the beginning of recorded history, humans created gods of creation, the wind, the river, war, hunting, storms, sun, moon, etc. to name the mystery of the great forces they saw in nature. But the god that filled the gaps of the mysteries of 5000 BC is very different from the god that filled the gaps of 500 AD, which again is very different from the god that fills the gaps of the 21st century. The gaps get smaller and smaller as we find more and more answers, so does that mean the god of the gaps is getting smaller and smaller? 
9. For me to believe the stories and doctrine of Christianity feels very similar to choosing to believe that the earth is flat and is the center of the universe with everything revolving around it. We are not the center of this great “creation”. We are a speck of dust in a universal whirlwind thinking the whirlwind is all about us. There are more galaxies than there are grains of sand in the earth’s beaches. 100 years ago we believed there was only one galaxy, now we know that there are trillions. Christianity was created from a human perspective trying to make sense of this world, this universe, based on an underlying assumption that we are the center of everything that exists and that we are the only purpose that everything exists with everything revolving around us. This is a parallel belief to how the ancients saw the universe, with the earth in the middle. It seems to me to be quite a waste of space considering the vastness of everything and the fact that the whole universe is expanding outward, away from us. There is even evidence that the things that are furthest from us are traveling the fastest outward toward nothing except endless space. 
10. When we define things we don’t understand, we take away the naturally occurring fears that are a part of being human. These illusions that pacify our fears are very comforting and we no longer have to worry about the grand things of life because we have been told the answers. But I feel like that is similar to sticking our fingers in our ears and singing LaLaLaLa whenever we face something we are afraid of. For instance, 

• Why was I born? To glorify god. 
• What is my life about? To glorify god. 
• Why must I die? To glorify god for ever and ever. 
• Why is there beauty? To make humans happy (but mostly to glorify god as creator). 
• Why does a god that is self sufficient and needing nothing be in constant need of being glorified? Ummm.
• Why should we care for the earth? We don’t need to since we are going to heaven. Let it self destruct.
• Why should I treat my neighbor as myself? Because I’m told to by a god that does the opposite to so many people. 

This thinking really removes all depth in life and all responsibility for human beings to individually create meaningful lives based on using our gifts to make a difference in the lives of others. Some religious people do this but so many stop short because all they have to do is follow the rules so that they can make it to heaven. Or they do acts of service out of obligation or guilt or fear of death and hell.

And this is only a very small sampling of the contradictions that I felt growing up for 40 years.

Without religion, how can I know what is good or bad? Try doing to others what you want done to you… or better yet, do to others what you know they want done to them? Make friends, not enemies. Be good, not bad. Don’t be full of yourself. Think for yourself. Use common sense. Mind your tongue because words matter. Follow natural laws of nature. Don't follow the herd or be conformed to the world. Listen to your heart, your inner voice. It is not hard. We know inherently what is good and bad because we know how we want to be treated. This Golden Rule is embedded in every religion in the world; and in every human heart.

Behind everything we do in life are stories with heroes that motivate and inform us about what life is all about. These stories evolve throughout a lifetime. As long as they drive us to be the best human being possible, then they are meaningful and true stories for our lives. We choose and create our own morality and our own meaning.

How do I create meaning based on what I know is real?

If I am not being told what life is about, what to think, what to say, how to live; how then shall I live?

That is our quest, lifelong learning.



“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlyn, “is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
(T.H. White, The Once and Future King)

“When we tell our stories to one another, we, at one and the same time, find the meaning of our lives and are healed from our isolation and loneliness. Strange as it may seem, self knowledge begins with self-revelation. We don't know who we are until we hear ourselves speaking the drama of our lives to someone we trust to listen with an open mind and open heart.” (Sam Keen, Your Mythic Journey, p. xviii)

"Stories make us more alive, more courageous, more loving. Why does anybody tell a story? It does indeed have something to do with faith, faith that the universe has meaning, that our little human lives are not irrelevant, that what we choose or say or do matters, matters cosmically." (Madeleine L'Engle)

"I asked myself, 'What is the myth you are living?' and found that I did not know. So... I took it upon myself to get to know my myth, and I regarded this as the task of tasks... I simply had to know what unconscious or preconscious myth was forming me." (Carl Jung)

"Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth." (Rumi)

What is my personal myth?
What is my collective myth?

Mine is still developing but I do know that there are some irreducible elements that are essential and nonnegotiable in order for me to live a life of integrity and compassion.

Learning to express, in word and deed, a language of peace, inclusion, tolerance, understanding, and acceptance versus a language of divisiveness, exclusion, and judgment.

Quakers have what they call testimonies that are visible manifestations of the Light within: Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality, and Stewardship.

My religion is kindness and compassion, love and peace.
This is what is at the true core of any religion rightly understood.
Otherwise it is not worth its weight in dirt.

Bottom line, at the ground level, I believe that we must create a world that works for ALL.

I further develop what this meaning in my life in these two posts:

my Guiding Principles

my Core Values

Somali-born activist Ayaan Hirsi Ali has gotten into her share of trouble for pointing out the contradictions in religious belief systems — namely, Islam, which she was raised in. She beautifully expresses the absurdity of existence in this passage from Infidel:

"The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more."

https://bigthink.com/culture-religion/10-quotes-absurdism?rebelltitem=1#rebelltitem1

BE HERE NOW. BE NOW HERE.

What more is there? This is all that is real.
Hoping and longing for some eternal future that we have conjured up is illusion.

All we have is NOW. There is nothing more than what we are experiencing NOW.

There is no place else where we can BE.

There is no other time in which we can BE.

And there is nothing but to BE.

There is no one to become.
There is no where to be.
There is no thing to do.

We must simply learn to live; to be here and now.

You know, I'm just realizing that when we boil down all of life to
BE HERE NOW. BE NOW HERE,
there is no future, there is no past,
all of our belief systems and their terrors are rendered meaningless in the face of the power of NOW.