Being a Victim of Change

Being a victim in and of a changing world
(focusing on white fragility)

In a world that is changing exponentially, in a world where knowledge

of our world is changing exponentially, we can choose to keep up or to play the role of the victim whining about what we do not like and do not understand; either because we can't or because we refuse.

For a long time, I refused to not share anything related to politics or religion on social media because of the compulsive trolls that get a kick out of social media bullying. I get a kick out of people that think they know me more than I know myself and have all the perfect labels and names to call me. I never go to other people's facebook page and argue. I feel that is insulting and crossing boundaries. But I tell them that, although their insults are not welcome on my page, they are free to take anything from my page and start an argument on their own page. (I don't think that works) BUT what has changed is that I will not let someone come at me with this know-it-all attitude that is so prevalent now days without me speaking the truth in love back to them.

This is the email forward sent sent by a family member. Below is my response.

The Email: privilege or fragility?

The content of this email is a perfect example of two of my recent posts:   https://livingwithopenhands2.blogspot.com/2020/04/labeling-categorizing-and-eliminating.html and

https://livingwithopenhands2.blogspot.com/2020/03/the-virus-of-mind-mental-health-pandemic.html 

____________________________________

NORMAL? This is what I am , I guess . . .maybe

As a man, I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it

or not, makes me "Privileged",?? a racist & responsible for slavery???

I am a fiscal & moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget & support myself.

I went to High School, got a diploma, got into some college & have always held a job.?? But I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was "advantaged???.

I am heterosexual, which according to "gay" folks, now makes me a homophobe.

I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which makes me a de facto member of the "vast NRA gun lobby???

I am older than 60, making me a useless eater who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat.

I think & I reason, and I doubt much of what the "main stream" media tells me, which makes me a "Right-wing conspiracy nut???.

I am proud of my heritage & our inclusive American culture, making me a xenophobe.

I believe in hard work, fair play, & fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.

I believe in the defense & protection of America for & by all citizens, now making me a militant.

I am proud of our flag, what it stands for and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand & salute during our National Anthem - so I must be a racist.

Please help me come to terms with the new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!

Funny - it all took place over the last 7 or 8 years! If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which restroom to use-----

and now I gotta go more FREQUENTLY!

_______________________________

My response

Thanks for the eye opening insight into what you think. I'm not surprised based on the propaganda out there and have no expectations that you will understand what I'm saying here. But I have to try because I love you. You can disregard it if you want. That's fine. But if you are seeking to understand the world as it is, then this will be very hard to hear. But if not then I have to assume that either you can't understand (which is fine) or you don't want to understand (which is fine). But you are not going to like any of this. I don't like the question "how am I racist?", it hurts, it angers me, but it pushes me forward into a more full understanding of the reality of the world we live in and the amount of growth I've experienced is amazing. It pushes me to understand people better, which is what my life is all about. Much of this I've begun to understand just in the last year, even after 35 years of direct experience and relationships with black people. I don't mean friends I see once a week and are friendly to. But I mean a person that I have married and black friends I lived with, that I have had coffee with and many conversations about things that matter and that lasted as long as 3 hours at one time. So here goes. 

1. Whoever wrote this does not understand the world as it is. But rather than seeking understanding, they have chosen to be a victim and whine about all of the persecution they feel. It is a great cop-out that allows us to turn our backs on learning the truth. We all have the right to do that. We choose our own areas of growth. No one else can.

2. The world used to be flat and now we know it is round. But we are not whining about that, are we? This world is not only changing along with our understanding of this world. My point is that knowledge is growing exponentially. What that means is that knowledge is doubling faster and faster. Rather than doubling every century, it is now doubling every 13 months! Soon it will be doubling every 12 hours! Here is more on that: https://www.industrytap.com/knowledge-doubling-every-12-months-soon-to-be-every-12-hours/3950. This increase of knowledge includes outer space. We can see further and further and are learning things way beyond what we ever knew 20 years ago. This includes our understanding of molecules, electrons, protons, DNA. What we thought was the smallest particle, an electron, isn't even close to what we now know. This means the human mind, emotions, body. This includes culture and our understanding on what forms our thinking along with what conditions our thinking. Compared to now, 20 years ago I feel like I was blind and dumb to the real world.

3. When it comes to understanding my own racial identity, again I was blind and dumb for most of my life. It takes a lot of work to understand this stuff. It is way harder to understand than Black Lives Matter.

4. White Fragility is perhaps the best term I can think of that describes my own thinking and behavior even with all of my experience with diversity, not only racially, but also class, disability, and beliefs. Actually, about 15 year ago, when I realized how segregated I was in terms of thinking and beliefs, many of my newest friends are people from other religions and atheists, agnostics, and skeptics. I have grown so much from expanding my bubble of comfort to be much more inclusive of the real world.

5. I'm not even going to try to address all of the topics in this email. I just wanted to share with you the one area that I learned and grown the most in. White Fragility. It is a book that came out a couple of years ago and has become top seller across the world. Because I've seen my own need to learn more, I've listen to about 5 hours of the author's lectures and interviews. I have a couple of links below, just in case. I don't expect you to listen if you don't want to. So, just in case.

6. This is the best way I've heard the author explain the most basic concept of white fragility:

Why are we so quickly triggered to anger and defensiveness?

White fragility is the inability to tolerate racial stress. Racial stress is triggered when our positions, perspectives, or advantages are challenged. White fragility functions to block the challenge and regain white racial equilibrium. 

It is a kind of white racial bullying. I’m going to make it so miserable for you to call me out or call me in that I’m just not going to do it. We make sure it is just not worth it because it’ll just make it worse.

White fragility is not weakness per se – it is a powerful means of everyday white racial control as it leverages historical and institutional power to maintain our positions. 

It only takes one angry white person to shut the whole project down. So we are all coddling to keep everything calm.

Most racism plays out not through explicit bias but through implicit bias; by the things we do not say and may never even think about.

(Here is an example that blew me away. But I'm still just scratching the surface in my understanding. We gotta do our own work if we are to live fully and effectively in this world.)

I think that the most profound way that my life has been shaped by race is through the power of segregation. Most white people live in segregated settings, choose those settings, and define what is good about a school or a neighborhood by the absence of people of color. That is the way the white people measure the value of their neighborhood and schools. And while we all don’t come out and name it, WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I can grow up in a segregated neighborhood, go to a segregated school, and follow the wonderful, safe, security trajectory that my loving parents laid out for me and not have one mentor or teacher ever tell me how much I have missed out on by not having any trusted friends of color. In other words, I was raised to believe that there is no inherent value in relationships with people of color.

I'm going to repeat that because I think it's very profound and I really want us to sit with it.

 I have to think very deeply about this: What it means to have grown up, born into, go to school, to study, to learn, to play, to worship, to love, to work, and to die in segregation, and not have even one authentic, trusted friendship with a person of color, and not have one single person who loved, mentored or guided me convey that there was any loss. 

If my society, my government, my schools, my teachers, my parents saw value in having those relationships, then I would be given those opportunities. It shapes me profoundly; what I see, what I hear, what I care about, and what I don’t care about, where I live, where I work, and who I love.

7. Here is a 5 minute interview. The quickest intro I could find: https://www.theguardian.com/world/video/2020/jun/26/how-white-fragility-obstructs-the-fight-against-racism-video-explainer 

Here is a 30 minute clip that will take you a small step further: https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/summer-2019/whats-my-complicity-talking-white-fragility-with-robin-diangelo

Tree Nut (the source of the email) asks for help understanding, but he probably isn't interested in this. Feel free to send it to him though. This is speaking the truth in love. He probably prefers being a victim and using his built-in, convenient excuse to not do his own work. Please beware of his emails. His thinking is toxic! I say, don't ask if you don't want to know. A couple of phrases I use with people with intellectual disabilities are these:

Ya gotta wanna.

You can't be it if you can't see it.

Dad, this is no longer my world. I've made my dent as much as I could. Now, I've passed it on to my kids, because it truly is their world (and their kids'). That's why I am committed to learn from my kids as well as with my kids. They are greatly interested in all of this and we have been sharing this sort of thing back and forth. Actually, I'll send them a copy of this also, just so you know that they know about this conversation and we’ll continue to carry on this conversation..

Love always,

Ron