We leave this world with hands empty and open.
Yet we live our lives like things and people are ours to cling to and keep forever.
Living with Open Hands is an expression of an
Open Heart
Open Will
"Chase after money and security,
and your heart will never unclench."
(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching)
“But holding you that way takes time, energy, and patience. As the minutes tick by, with no outward sign that anything is happening for you, I start feeling anxious, useless, and foolish, and I start thinking about all the other things I have to do. Instead of keeping the space between us open for you to hear your soul, I fill it up with advice, not so much to meet your needs as to assuage my anxiety and get on with my life. Then I can disengage from you, a person with a troublesome problem, while saying to myself, ‘I tried to help’. I walk away feeling virtuous. You are left feeling unseen and unheard.” (pp. 117-118)
But first, we must See what it is that we clench,
since mostly we are unaware.
Then, we must pry open that clenched fist,
sometimes finger by finger.
There are so many things in so many ways at so many levels that we are clenching.
Sometimes it is our
expectations
hopes
dreams
goals
ideals
opinions
beliefs
One of the most subtle and yet powerful things that I learned to let go of is how I parent my kids. They are grown now, but I began to realize that it makes no sense for me to raise them to think and act like me, and yet I was. The more I realized this, the more I could let go of my parenting ideals and let them grow into the individuals that they were born to be. Instead of controlling them and making them angry at me as the enemy, I learned to listen to them, learn from them, and be an ally.
As long as they had good reasons
to do what they were doing or
to think what they were thinking or
to believe what they believed;
then I had to let them be... to become... on their own.
My own father did this for me also
so I had a role model to follow that I am grateful for.
I wonder: “If I loose my grip… will I take flight?” (Bruce Cockburn)
We hold on to homes, cars, possessions. We hold on to our kids, our spouses, our friendships. Why do we hold so tightly to what will not last? Often suffocating what we love the most.
Again I say this:
What if we were to live life without holding on, like allowing the butterfly to light on our open palm without grasping it; leaving it free to fly away unharmed. Maybe everything in this life is as fragile and beautiful as a butterfly. Maybe, just maybe, if we allow it to just be, without grabbing it, it can continue to live its own life, unharmed by our grasp. Maybe, just maybe, we can marvel in wonder at its beauty, both as it sits in the open palm AND as it flies away… free to return… if it wishes.
Isn't this the way we must learn to appreciate all beauty? Why, when I see beauty, do I want to make it mine... take it home? Whether a material thing or a person? How often do we take something as beautiful as a friendship and get too serious, destroying the friendship?
This is how I feel about my kids and how much difference it made to parent without ego. Child-centered parenting. My kids have thanked me for allowing them to grow and blossom in their own ways and become what they were meant to be. I can't cling to being with them as they create their own lives. I can't focus on missing them because it is not about me. If I value them, I must let go and rejoice in the lives they are living.
What if we see each other as fragile beings
… in need of the freedom to sit with each other, or fly away?
… in need of the freedom to speak out, or be silent?
… in need of the freedom to just be, without being changed?
… in need of following the light we have been given?
… without judgement
… without coercion
… without manipulation
since mostly we are unaware.
Then, we must pry open that clenched fist,
sometimes finger by finger.
There are so many things in so many ways at so many levels that we are clenching.
Sometimes it is our
expectations
hopes
dreams
goals
ideals
opinions
beliefs
One of the most subtle and yet powerful things that I learned to let go of is how I parent my kids. They are grown now, but I began to realize that it makes no sense for me to raise them to think and act like me, and yet I was. The more I realized this, the more I could let go of my parenting ideals and let them grow into the individuals that they were born to be. Instead of controlling them and making them angry at me as the enemy, I learned to listen to them, learn from them, and be an ally.
As long as they had good reasons
to do what they were doing or
to think what they were thinking or
to believe what they believed;
then I had to let them be... to become... on their own.
My own father did this for me also
so I had a role model to follow that I am grateful for.
I wonder: “If I loose my grip… will I take flight?” (Bruce Cockburn)
We hold on to homes, cars, possessions. We hold on to our kids, our spouses, our friendships. Why do we hold so tightly to what will not last? Often suffocating what we love the most.
Again I say this:
“Our disasters come from letting nothing live for itself, from the longing we have to pull everything, even friends, into ourselves, and let nothing alone.” (Robert Bly)
Isn't this the way we must learn to appreciate all beauty? Why, when I see beauty, do I want to make it mine... take it home? Whether a material thing or a person? How often do we take something as beautiful as a friendship and get too serious, destroying the friendship?
This is how I feel about my kids and how much difference it made to parent without ego. Child-centered parenting. My kids have thanked me for allowing them to grow and blossom in their own ways and become what they were meant to be. I can't cling to being with them as they create their own lives. I can't focus on missing them because it is not about me. If I value them, I must let go and rejoice in the lives they are living.
What if we see each other as fragile beings
… in need of the freedom to sit with each other, or fly away?
… in need of the freedom to speak out, or be silent?
… in need of the freedom to just be, without being changed?
… in need of following the light we have been given?
… without judgement
… without coercion
… without manipulation
… without expectation?
… just being the person that I am?
What if???
How do I treat my money? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat my material possessions? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat my career? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I react to what another person says? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat someone I disagree with? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I interact with people of other religious beliefs? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I get along with people of political beliefs that I don’t agree with? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I act with other human beings? … with peace or with violence?
Does it have to be MY way?
Do I HAVE to be right?
I wonder why we cannot seem to live at peace with all people?
I wonder why religious people seem to be the worst offenders?
I tried to capture some of the story of letting go and letting come in these blog posts
"What I've Learned From My Kids"
https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2016/06/19/what-ive-learned-from-my-kids/
"Raising Kids Alone"
https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/raising-kids-alone/
“When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. If your problem is soul-deep, your soul alone knows what you need to do about it, and my presumptuous advice will only drive your soul back (into hiding) into the woods. So the best service I can render when you speak to me about such a struggle is to hold you faithfully in a space where you can listen to your inner teacher.
… just being the person that I am?
What if???
How do I treat my money? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat my material possessions? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat my career? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I react to what another person says? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat someone I disagree with? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I interact with people of other religious beliefs? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I get along with people of political beliefs that I don’t agree with? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I act with other human beings? … with peace or with violence?
Does it have to be MY way?
Do I HAVE to be right?
I wonder why we cannot seem to live at peace with all people?
I wonder why religious people seem to be the worst offenders?
I tried to capture some of the story of letting go and letting come in these blog posts
"What I've Learned From My Kids"
https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2016/06/19/what-ive-learned-from-my-kids/
"Raising Kids Alone"
https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/raising-kids-alone/
NO FIXING, NO SAVING, NO ADVISING, NO SETTING EACH OTHER STRAIGHT
Another way that we so often clench our fists is seen in the way we want to fix others. If a friend or child or someone I work with has an issue that they need support with, why do we try to control them and tell them what to do rather than support them as an ally willing to listen and seek understanding?
Much of the wisdom that I learned for parenting comes from Parker Palmer's teaching on Circles of Trust in his book A Hidden Wholeness. Some of those ideas are in these blog posts:
“When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. If your problem is soul-deep, your soul alone knows what you need to do about it, and my presumptuous advice will only drive your soul back (into hiding) into the woods. So the best service I can render when you speak to me about such a struggle is to hold you faithfully in a space where you can listen to your inner teacher.
“But holding you that way takes time, energy, and patience. As the minutes tick by, with no outward sign that anything is happening for you, I start feeling anxious, useless, and foolish, and I start thinking about all the other things I have to do. Instead of keeping the space between us open for you to hear your soul, I fill it up with advice, not so much to meet your needs as to assuage my anxiety and get on with my life. Then I can disengage from you, a person with a troublesome problem, while saying to myself, ‘I tried to help’. I walk away feeling virtuous. You are left feeling unseen and unheard.” (pp. 117-118)
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