Unclenching the Fists

We come into this world with hands empty and open. 
We leave this world with hands empty and open. 
Yet we live our lives like things and people are ours to cling to and keep forever.

Living with Open Hands is an expression of an

Open Mind
Open Heart
Open Will

“And then came human beings; humans wanted to cling but there was nothing to cling to.” (Albert Camus)

"Chase after money and security, 

and your heart will never unclench."

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching)

But first, we must See what it is that we clench,
since mostly we are unaware.

Then, we must pry open that clenched fist,
sometimes finger by finger.

There are so many things in so many ways at so many levels that we are clenching.
Sometimes it is our
expectations
hopes
dreams
goals
ideals
opinions
beliefs

One of the most subtle and yet powerful things that I learned to let go of is how I parent my kids. They are grown now, but I began to realize that it makes no sense for me to raise them to think and act like me, and yet I was. The more I realized this, the more I could let go of my parenting ideals and let them grow into the individuals that they were born to be. Instead of controlling them and making them angry at me as the enemy, I learned to listen to them, learn from them, and be an ally.

As long as they had good reasons
to do what they were doing or
to think what they were thinking or
to believe what they believed;
then I had to let them be... to become... on their own.
My own father did this for me also
so I had a role model to follow that I am grateful for.

“Our disasters come from letting nothing live for itself, from the longing we have to pull everything, even friends, into ourselves, and let nothing alone.” (Robert Bly)

Letting go | Krishnamurti

As I have been writing and writing, question after question, I continue to see that there are two ways to live life… with open hands or with clenched fists. First, I began to see the clenching; the things, the myriad of things that I was clinging to. Why was I holding so tightly to so many things? Nothing is permanent in this life. All is temporary? How do we live life when nothing lasts? Why do we hold on? But what am I holding on to if nothing I can grasps lasts? Is this not another illusion, another lie, another story in my head, sand in the hand, dust in the wind?

I wonder: “If I loose my grip… will I take flight?” (Bruce Cockburn)

We hold on to homes, cars, possessions. We hold on to our kids, our spouses, our friendships. Why do we hold so tightly to what will not last? Often suffocating what we love the most.

What if we were to live life without holding on, like allowing the butterfly to light on our open palm without grasping it; leaving it free to fly away unharmed. Maybe everything in this life is as fragile and beautiful as a butterfly. Maybe, just maybe, if we allow it to just be, without grabbing it, it can continue to live its own life, unharmed by our grasp. Maybe, just maybe, we can marvel in wonder at its beauty, both as it sits in the open palm AND as it flies away… free to return… if it wishes.

Isn't this the way we must learn to appreciate all beauty? Why, when I see beauty, do I want to make it mine... take it home? Whether a material thing or a person? How often do we take something as beautiful as a friendship and get too serious, destroying the friendship?

This is how I feel about my kids and how much difference it made to parent without ego. Child-centered parenting. My kids have thanked me for allowing them to grow and blossom in their own ways and become what they were meant to be. I can't cling to being with them as they create their own lives. I can't focus on missing them because it is not about me. If I value them, I must let go and rejoice in the lives they are living.

What if we see each other as fragile beings
… in need of the freedom to sit with each other, or fly away?
… in need of the freedom to speak out, or be silent?
… in need of the freedom to just be, without being changed?
… in need of following the light we have been given?
… without judgement
… without coercion
… without manipulation

… without expectation?
… just being the person that I am?
What if???

How do I treat my money? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat my material possessions? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat my career? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I react to what another person says? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I treat someone I disagree with? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I interact with people of other religious beliefs? … with open hands or with clenched fists?
How do I get along with people of political beliefs that I don’t agree with? … with open hands or with clenched fists?

How do I act with other human beings? … with peace or with violence?
Does it have to be MY way?
Do I HAVE to be right?
 I wonder why we cannot seem to live at peace with all people?
 I wonder why religious people seem to be the worst offenders?

I tried to capture some of the story of letting go and letting come in these blog posts
"What I've Learned From My Kids"
https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2016/06/19/what-ive-learned-from-my-kids/
"Raising Kids Alone"
https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/raising-kids-alone/ 

NO FIXING, NO SAVING, NO ADVISING, NO SETTING EACH OTHER STRAIGHT

Another way that we so often clench our fists is seen in the way we want to fix others. If a friend or child or someone I work with has an issue that they need support with, why do we try to control them and tell them what to do rather than support them as an ally willing to listen and seek understanding? 

Much of the wisdom that I learned for parenting comes from Parker Palmer's teaching on Circles of Trust in his book A Hidden Wholeness. Some of those ideas are in these blog posts:

https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2010/07/21/ground-rules-for-a-circle-of-trust/ 

https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2010/07/21/circles-of-trust/

“When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. If your problem is soul-deep, your soul alone knows what you need to do about it, and my presumptuous advice will only drive your soul back (into hiding) into the woods. So the best service I can render when you speak to me about such a struggle is to hold you faithfully in a space where you can listen to your inner teacher. 

“But holding you that way takes time, energy, and patience. As the minutes tick by, with no outward sign that anything is happening for you, I start feeling anxious, useless, and foolish, and I start thinking about all the other things I have to do. Instead of keeping the space between us open for you to hear your soul, I fill it up with advice, not so much to meet your needs as to assuage my anxiety and get on with my life. Then I can disengage from you, a person with a troublesome problem, while saying to myself, ‘I tried to help’. I walk away feeling virtuous. You are left feeling unseen and unheard.” (pp. 117-118)

Ever thought about how unsolicited advice could be a form of clinging; clenching the fists?

Again I say this:

“Our disasters come from letting nothing live for itself, from the longing we have to pull everything, even friends, into ourselves, and let nothing alone.” (Robert Bly)

Being Open to Me

A reminder to myself…

We tend to beat ourselves up over our imperfections because we are culturally conditioned to do so. The nature of conditioning is that often we do not even know we are doing it. Conditioning sustains itself through its own invisibility.

We are human and we cannot change who we are. We can only accept ourselves as we are and move forward. Actually, accepting ourselves as we are is the first step to moving forward. If we do not fully accept ourselves, then we cannot accept others either.

‘Homo sum, humani nil a me alienum puto. I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me.’ That’s one thing I’m learning.” ~ Maya Angelou

Our judgmental thinking is a constant and hard-wired into us. Thought has a mind of its own. We

must learn to pay attention to our thoughts and observe them. We are constantly making assumptions, judging, labeling, categorizing ourselves and others. Thought constantly is creating an image of ourselves and of others. Then thought tells us that this is the way the world really is, without reminding us that these stories in our heads are just that, stories in our heads. We are caught in a viscous cycle of thought creating the world and then saying, I didn’t do it. We are automatonic illusion machines with thought running away with reality, especially in the middle of the night.

So how do we begin? First we accept and love ourselves unconditionally. Then we guard our hearts by paying attention to our thoughts and the tricks they are playing. This requires time alone in silence. It is a discipline.

The Violence of the Machine

I AM what I AM.

I AM a man of peace and justice.

I AM a man of equality and community.

Trying to live a life of integrity and simplicity.

I AM what I AM.

This is my identity.

How does a man of peace

Live while being swallowed up

By the violence of the machine?

A machine of our own making.

A machine that by its own nature

Must carry on and on and on

Institutionalized within our culture

With us being good little cogs

In the machine.

The machine must work

as it casts out the outcasts

Spewing the broken

and the misfits.

Into the margins go

The poor and downtrodden

The battered and the bruised

The tattered and the torn

The shattered and shocked;

Occupying the margins of society.

A sort of fringe landfill of people

Invisible and voiceless

Because they are useless,

Meaningless, pointless to the machine.

The Sacred and the Profane

Can the sacred be contained within the time and space of our limited, dualistic perceptions of reality?

Is the sacred something that is out there somewhere? Something I need to seek and hope to find;  somehow, somewhere, someday?

Or does it permeate all things as foundational to our existence similar to light, gravity, and consciousness?

Could it be that the sacred is within, available and accessible at any time and any place?

Is it transformational as we choose to access it's power?

“There are no unsacred places; 

there are only sacred places and desecrated places.”

   ― Wendell Berry, Given

Rainer Maria Rilke said, "I am too alone, yet not alone enough to make every moment holy". 

(Holy = set aside for a specific sacred purpose)

Berry refers to the sacred within space.
Rilke refers to the sacred within time.

But is this too confining, too defining, too limited and bounded by that which is limitless and boundless, beyond time and space??? Or maybe the holy and sacred include all of these with time and space enfolded within it.

"Umbrella, light, landscape, sky— There is no language of the holy. The sacred lies in the ordinary." 

-Deng Ming-Dao (Everyday Tao)

“Space is not empty. It’s full. It is the ground for the existence of everything, including ourselves”

– David Bohm

I have been thinking, wondering, and contemplating these words, sacred and profane, for about 10 years, maybe longer. I’ve been struck with the sense that our understanding of these concepts falls so far short of the richness, wisdom, and daily guidance they could bring. We use them flippantly and mindlessly in a very narrow religious sense. For instance, using sacred to refer to certain places that look religious, or certain times and rituals initiated by a religious hierarchy. And we use the word profanity as something that refers to words, especially the use of “God” or "Jesus" to express our anger as a curse, that are self defined family by family, church by church, culture by culture.

The deeper I go, the bigger these words get. The depth and breadth of these two words seem to go as deep and wide as my mind can go. Actually, more and more, they have guided me in life; daily, moment by moment to the point that I think we as a society unconsciously and unintentionally live lives full of profanity interwoven throughout every day.

Within each moment lies life and death, sacred and profane, the holy and the desecrated.

We choose how to live each moment.

“There is the beauty of love, beauty of compassion. And also there is the beauty of a clean street, of good architectural form of a building; there is beauty of a tree, a lovely leaf, the great big branches. To see all that is beauty; not merely to go to museums and talk everlastingly about beauty. The silence of a quiet mind is the essence of that beauty. Because it is silent and because it is not the plaything of thought, then in that silence there comes that which is indestructible, which is sacred. In the coming of that which is sacred then life becomes sacred, your life becomes sacred, our relationship becomes sacred, everything becomes sacred because you have touched that thing that is sacred.” (Krishnamurti)

In 2011, I wrote a blog post about these words (https://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/the-sacred-and-the-profane/) as they took root in the silence of a Quaker Worship Meeting where we sit for an hour in silence. In those Meetings there was what they called “vocal ministry” when a person in the meeting might stand and speak a word of inspiration that was deeply stirring them. It was one of the few times I spoke during the Meeting. I remember vocalizing that I had a sense of this space being sacred. There was a deep sacredness that is not there all the time. But at certain points over time, the group gets a sense of what is called “gathered worship" where we all feel a sacredness within and between us enveloping us with Light, warmth, peace, and connection. I wondered out loud, in my vocal ministry, what that was. Was it something that comes and goes within me or is it something anchored in (and beyond) the time and place of the Meeting for Worship? Simultaneously, I began wondering about profanity and what that might really mean in a deeper sense. I think that apart from the silence, none of this would have occurred to me. Much of my thinking was still caught up in dogma, my past conditioning and what I've been told. Those voices kept speaking to me about the sacred and profane being anchored in space and time. But I could tell there was something new emerging that, as so often happens, I could not have understood earlier in my formation because I did not yet have the discernment and experience to grasp such things.

For the last 13 years, I’ve been blogging my journey, sorting through the trash and treasures, the conditioning that was cluttering my mind. But during that time, I had a very religious, Christian approach to my understanding, my thinking, and my writing. I guess that is because I strongly identified as a Christian and had done so for almost 50 years. In the last couple of years, I have felt impelled to let go of all of the dogmatic thinking that came with my cultural Christianity and  conditioning. As part of this concerted effort of sorting things out and going deeper, I started a new blog, this one (https://livingwithopenhands2.blogspot.com/), where I can speak more freely without offending my religious blog followers, Christian friends, and family with my honesty.

Now as I look back, what I wrote 10 years ago was both profound and thin, deep and shallow. I have grown way past that thinking. And something I noticed was that the words in that post were in some ways profane. My use of “god” is something that I have gradually lessened since then because the word god has been made meaningless in this day and age, in the context within which I exist. Religious language and dogma blocks quality conversations, deeper thinking, and greater understanding. People use it flippantly and mindlessly, or as a weapon for violence, or they use it to beat others into submission or into thinking like me. Through the process of sorting out the sacred and the profane in my life, my eyes have opened to how Christians throw around religious language (Christianese).

Words have been weaponized by Christians to convert the lost, to manipulate, to create guilt, and to brag about their own righteousness or say a righteous public prayer. Some of the flippant use of Christianese is what I see as permeating almost every conversation with words and phrases like “praise god”, I’m praying for you, bless you, Jesus this or Jesus that. God this or God that. The sun is out, "praise God," it is cloudy, "pray for the sun to come out," someone is sick, "I'll pray for healing," someone dies, "he is in a better place," "God's got a plan," and on and on. I could take a notepad to most gatherings of Christians and get a slew and slurry of religious language. But why would a Christian need to use all of these religious words and phrases with those that are already "saved" or converted? And why would a Christian use religious language that is often offensive or at least meaningless to those that are not converted Christians. And why convert anyone since it requires that we dominate others that are better, think better, believe better, than them? Christianese is frivolous use of language that is supposed to be used carefully and thoughtfully in meaningful contexts. Anytime faith and religion is used to dominate and control rather than uplift and inspire others, it has become weaponized and violent, profane and desecrated.

For me, profanity means using something sacred for mundane or meaningless uses, usually we overuse it without even realizing it. Unconscious usage of Christianese I think is also included under profane as well as any dogmatic (I'm right... you're wrong or I know... and you don't or repent and act like me) language that looks down on others; discriminating, judging, labeling in ways that elevate myself or my perfect religion. Anytime we dominate others in this way, it is a form of violence and violence is a form of profanity. For me, this is the mindless use of language that is profane. It assumes a superior stance and that others need to hear your dogma because of your superiority. And if the attempt at conversion is done with one’s language then one’s hands can be washed of any guilt of that person being lost and going to hell. "They should have listened to me and my righteousness."

I long for simple human conversations without trauma-trigger words giving testimony to the righteousness of self or the unrighteousness of the other. Even well-intentioned, damage is done whenever another person is oppressed through power and domination, even if it is an illusion or unintentional. Oppression occurs even when a person feels oppressed or preached at.

For me, whenever I use the word god in my writing, I feel a sense of profanity. I assume that the person that might read what I write will automatically know what I mean. We throw that word around like we think we know what it means and like we think we know how others understand it, and that they understand it just like me. And yet words can never contain that which is sacred and boundless, infinite and limitless. Yet we think we can flippantly label this??? Presumptuous to say the least. Profane to say it more clearly.

These two things keep coming to mind for those that do believe in God and think that God can be contained in words:

St. Augustine (354 - 430 AD) has this to say:
“What then, brethren, shall we say of God?
For if thou hast been able to understand what thou wouldest say, it is not God.
If thou hast been able to comprehend it, thou hast comprehended something else instead of God.
If thou hast been able to comprehend him as thou thinkest, by so thinking thou hast deceived thyself.
This then is not God, if thou hast comprehended it; but if this be God, thou has not comprehended it.”

And Thomas Merton (1915 - 1968) has this to say:
“If nothing that can be seen can either be God or represent Him to us as He is,
then to find God we must pass beyond everything that can be seen and enter into darkness.
Since nothing that can be heard is God, to find Him we must enter into silence.”
(Seeds of Contemplation, p. 131)

Note: I find it very interesting that the two main traits of God are his silence and his invisibility, which does not lend itself to any kind of personal relationship.

I used to seek to have religious conversations for many years. But I'm finding that as I deepen my understanding, I find that religious dogma and talk get in the way of quality conversations; connecting with others on a deeper, human, heart to heart level. I learned this more and more as I became friends with people from an interfaith group (Buddhist, Pagan, Wiccan, Hindu, Quaker). I've always thought I sought out diversity in so many ways (racial, ethnic, economic, disability, etc), but I started to see that there is more than just visible differences. I needed to expand my diversity to people that think and believe differently, invisible diversity. That's a form of diversity that I needed. It has been enriching to get to know many atheists, nontheists, ignostics, agnostics,  theological non-cognitivists, and skeptics. Too often dogma needs to be cleared away in order to have conversations that matter about things of the heart with all people... because all people matter.

The link below is a post where I tried to describe further what I am referring to here. Too often we create god in our image or we label things that are real but beyond our understanding with the word “god”. God has become a default or knee-jerk label. And yet again, this is a perfect example of profanity; using our words to talk about that which we think we know but cannot know. I think the bible refers to it as idolatry for Christians.   https://livingwithopenhands2.blogspot.com/2019/05/the-image-of-god.html

If we dive in further, the words sacred and profane broaden and deepen, giving more and more guidance for daily living. I suggest this understanding.

A Sacred Life = making the ordinary (in all of life’s moments) sacred. (mindfulness, awareness, appreciation, wonder, awe)

A Profane Life = making the sacred (in all of life’s moments) ordinary. (thoughtlessness, apathy, familiarity, mundane, taken for granted, desecrated)

I think that the sacred and the profane lie dormant in each situation and opportunity.

The sacred and the profane go far beyond just time and space though.

I think this includes all of our relationships in life:
with people, with ourselves, with the earth, and with all that is greater than us.

I think we are in the process or habit of desecrating these relationships, all of which are meant to be sacred.

A good example is our interactions within our family unit. Are we fully engaged during every interaction with our spouse or our children? Or are we tuned out, preoccupied, apathetic; creating profanity in our wake.

All we have is this present moment, nothing else. The past is gone. The future is coming. But the only thing we have any control over is here and now. And yet, our thoughts are mostly occupied with the past (regret, guilt, shame) and the future (worry, desire, expectation). Our heads are full of stories and voices, illusions and fictions. Whenever we do that, we miss the present moment. And when we miss it, it is gone forever. THIS is in many ways, the ultimate profanity. We throw away or let slip away all that which is sacred; casting pearls to the swine.

In my post from 2011, I continued to ask these questions that I am still seeking an answer:

Is the sacred something out there… or something within? Maybe the sacred is the fire that gives light and meaning to the ordinary. Maybe the sacred is something that I bring to life; to every encounter, to every moment, to every word, to every action, to every reaction. Maybe the sacred calls to me and demands of me to create meaning in each day, each hour, each minute, each breath. Maybe the sacred is a deep calling on my life to live out the purpose that is innate, using the gifts I came here with… making a difference.

Not missing everything...

Not missing anything…

Being fully present

Identifying purpose

in each moment,

each situation,

each encounter;

… infusing each with the fire of the sacred.

In every encounter we have in life with people or situations, we walk away changed. We continue on as a different person, for the better or not.

If the sacred is a way of identifying how I live my life, what I do with the ordinary things of life; then what is the profane?

Could it be that any time I disrespect or disregard the sacred, then I am demonstrating profanity; living out a desecration of life?

Is it possible that profanity (like violence) is much deeper than the religious sense of a swear word, using God’s name in vain, or talking bad about the church or the bible.

What about any time we violate the identity or integrity of another person? This is a definition of violence. This is simultaneously another iteration of profanity.

Could profanity be contained in a reaction? A look? An attitude? A thoughtless act? A turning away… from anything or anyone that I am called to pay attention to. A looking down on anyone that I deem lesser than me and my righteousness.

With new eyes, I now read these definitions:

Definition of SACRED

1: dedicated or set apart for the service or worship of a deity

2: devoted exclusively to one service or use (as of a person or purpose)

3. worthy of awe and respect

Definition of PROFANE

1. to treat (something sacred) with abuse, irreverence, or contempt: desecrate

2. to debase by a wrong, unworthy, or vulgar use

3. an act of violence: to violate the identity or integrity of self or others

Related to PROFANE

Synonyms: abase, bastardize, canker, cheapen, corrupt, debauch, degrade, demean, demoralize, deprave, deteriorate, lessen, pervert, poison, debase, prostitute, subvert, vitiate, warp

Antonyms: elevate, ennoble, uplift

The words that jumped out at me as synonyms of profane are not the extreme words but the subtle words: CHEAPEN and LESSEN.

I must weigh in my heart, each moment of each day, whether I am entering into that moment with sacredness or with profanity. Do I honor and value life and my purpose here or do I cheapen and lessen it???

Each moment of each day, I must choose the sacred or the profane, life or death, peace or violence.

In my life, is the sacred the fire, the passion, the light that gives life and purpose to EVERYTHING; EVERYWHERE, EVERYDAY? Or not?

“Oh love that fires the sun, keep me burning.” (Bruce Cockburn lyrics)

What if?

Over the past couple of years, I have become more and more nontheist. The word god and the concept of god has had less and less meaning for me in my life. It is nothing more than a label projecting human characteristics onto that which I do not and cannot understand. It is just not at all useful. The reason is that I believe that we use the label "god" to describe that which we cannot understand because we can't "not know". We use it so that we can speak and act like we do understand (which is a lie). I know that there is that which is greater that me. I know that there is an energy and force that not only is the creative force of the universe but also that holds the universe together. I know there are great mysteries and many things beyond my understanding but I believe that most people out of ignorance and often sheer laziness just plaster labels on those things that we cannot understand or that are different than us. We used to believe in the god of the river and the god of the storm, or Mother Earth, Zeus, Apollo, Ares, Mars, Venus, Pluto, because we were afraid of the power that we saw and felt better when we could label it, obey it, and worship it, just like we label people that are different; that have disabilities or are of different faiths, or ethnicities, or races. Labeling works to assuage our confusion or fears of the unknown, and has a very practical use at times, especially in the grocery store or even more so in the toilet paper aisle.

So... What if?

I think we label things we don't understand and I believe this is another form of profanity. We use labels meaninglessly because we refuse to take the time to go within and understand that which is available to us to understand; what I call "innerwork". What if there is a sacredness within each of us AND between us all AND throughout all of the universe??? What if god is the connection and we are just labeling something so great and beyond our understanding just so that we can feel better about our ignorance? What if we are creating god in our image and giving god all of the best of human characteristics (anthropomorphism) so that we do not fear god or so that we can always have that listening invisible friend that we have always longed for? What if the sacred is parallel to light and consciousness? These all exist outside of space and time, material objects and energy according to physics. What if it is out of this sacredness, this Light, this cosmic consciousness that all things come. What if this is the quantum field from which everything that is enfolded, unfolds? What if this is the Source? Our Ground of Being??? The Implicate Order (beyond and below all) within which is enfolded all that may unfold into the Explicate Order of time and space within which we live and move and have our being, here and now.

What if the Sacred means fulfilling the identity and purpose that we as human creatures individually and uniquely create; and living it out, here and now, in each action, in each reaction, in each interaction, in each relationship???

Inward Deepening; Outward Expansion

Letting go and letting come...

I have, of necessity, developed an inner impulsion to grow, to deepen toward my source, uncovering and uprooting my illusions and myths, stories and fairy tales that I can no longer live by; revealing raw reality, unvarnished truth, unmasked authenticity, true integrity. This impulsive drive became a fire in my belly fueling an unstoppable passion to understand that which is real and true while attempting to resolve some of the cognitive, emotional, and spiritual dissonance that is a sort of tinnitus constantly piercing  and clouding my soul.

But this fire in my belly has been dormant for close to 50 years. The domination of cultural influences had its foot on my neck exerting  pressure, very subtly and imperceptibly; just enough to keep my face in the dirt, keeping me unaware that life is so much more than the canned world and life view that I have downloaded. 

Under this impalpable duress, I settled into knowing that I know, content with what I thought I knew; with the status quo remaining rigidly and palpably sacred. This is the natural tendency for most people. That is precisely how cultural myths are sustained. Apart from trauma and crisis and broken dreams; my world view, my myth, would have remained intact. That’s what I wanted. I liked my life except for the heartbreak. But these disrupted the settled illusion of status quo to the extent that I could no longer survive. The foundational values and beliefs that had sustained me crumbled in the face of this upheaval. I felt the storms washing away the sand upon which I had built my All American, Christian house. It was either do or die. I could no longer survive with the same thinking and patterns that had worked for so long. It was then that my eyes began to open and I began to “See” beneath the surface, through the facade that had sustained me.